I am finding it more and more difficult to be positive, both mentally (health and body image) and physically (actually getting on treadmill, or even do housework). I knew going into this health problem that knowing the issue, and treating it was not going to be the “miracle” cure and end to my weight and mental issues. But I had honestly not prepared myself for the length of time it was going to take.
Oh, sure, I researched, read posts and “papers” on-line about others experiences Which did teach me everyone was different. But it did not prepare me for the low you feel when nothing moves, nothing changes.
Yes, I do know that I am SO much better in so many ways, and I track that to remind me. But I have always been a bigger girl, but I would never really get much higher than my “magic number”. The weight that I always knew with just a bit of effort (I eat mostly health with some “cheats” once a week or every few weeks) I could lose.
When I first dropped 5 pounds a few months ago I thought “YES! It’s starting, maybe a pound a week? Heck even a pound a month would be nice!” instead? A week later I put on 6 more, even though I had been treadmilling. I told myself it was muscle, but my ring and the way I could bend told me it was the water weight again.
I have been battling depression for a few months now, and not just from my weight or even the thyroid (though, that has made it harder to push back I think?), I have even wondered about seeing my doctor. He knows how I can be in the winter, and I did tell him a bit last visit where he told me it sounded like I have S.A.D.s I just don’t want to be “one of THOSE” people. I don’t want to be on yet more drugs, and I don’t want the pity in peoples eyes.
Yet, even as I write this, I am struggling to hold back the tears. Why? A good question, I have no answer to.
Money problems add to it, and though I have (yet again) managed to find a way out and still have money for the “oh, we need more milk? Ok”, it hasn’t lifted my spirits any. I am beginning to question why I even try.
I haven’t been on the treadmill in almost 2 weeks, and I do miss it, but as I said, I have troubles getting on it, because what’s the point? I have managed to get 4 pounds off of that first 5 that came back, but it just won’t budge. I have no real “friends” that I can go out with and do things with, and even if I did, I have no money to do whatever. Top that off, I just don’t know how to interact in a social setting. Not without feel overly awkward and out of place. Crowds also freak me out. *shrugs*
Know what else I miss? My crappy poetry. It wasn’t great, but it helped my brain get things out. But now, I can’t even read a poem let alone write one. I also miss making up silly songs with my son as we cooked or cleaned. I miss my “crappier than my poems” drawing/painting.
Most? I miss the sun. This winter has been mild, but we haven’t seen a proper few days of sun in … forever! It was a wet crap spring last year, short not a lot of sun, summer and a wet dreary autumn. WHERE IS THE SUN?
I am surrounded by people, yet feel so alone.