I have been meaning to update for awhile now, but usually by the time I remembered I wanted to to, it was well past midnight.
(Post got away on me!! Good luck, if you choose to go on. hehe)
I have been amazed at some aspects of my “recovery”. Yeah, recovery doesn’t work for me either. I guess, for my improvement? Whatever, let’s move on.
As I was saying, I have been impressed with the vast improvement of many of my symptoms of Hypothyroidism. Other’s I have grown impatient. I am most impressed with my depression. It has floored me at how well it has improved, and even my paranoia has all but run away!
Just the other day I was sitting here, and the thought popped into my head, “Wow, you know, I am actually content!”, so I thought it, I mean REALLY thought about it.
At first I was rather gentle, not really knowing just how long I had this feeling, I was a bit afraid of poking it too much in case it fell apart or just vanished. But once I realized poking it didn’t seem to affect it, boy to I examine it, closely!
I have come to the realization, that I have not felt this content with myself, not just my “bubble” of life in the world, by myself in my bubble in the world, since I was a child. When I would roam the back woods and paths of my home in Nova Scotia, when kick the cans and hide ‘n’ seek were played at night with just the background lighting of the homes in the area.
I don’t really knwo when I lost that contentment, maybe high school, maybe when we moved across the country, maybe I lost it slowly as I “grew up” and became an adult. I don’t really know, but I had lost it that much I know. So to realize I had found it again? Was a very great gift indeed.
It has been too long since I was content with myself, and my life/surroundings, but the worst of it has been really coming on slowly the last five years or so. Partly money worries, partly my health. Okay, mostly my healthy. And now that I am on medication for it, it is really quite amazing.
I am pretty sure this has been a slow process, happening gradually over the year, but I don’t care! I am going to hold on to it now that I have it back. I didn’t realize how bad it was without it, but now that it is here … Well, I won’t think too hard on that part of it. Because, while I have lightness and contentment now, I can still see darkness and the heavy heart just waiting for the day it loses it’s grip.
(I know I keep jumping around, it is just the way my brain works, forgive me!)
You know something? I have to be honest, when I DO look at the darkness I had, not that long ago for that matter, it doesn’t scare me any more. I don’t know that it can come back as long as my meds for my thyroid stay stable. I do look at it with sadness at times, but really, I try to use it more as a “how to beat it” sort of lesson. I know the signs now, and I KNOW what makes me content, and I focus on that.
I do hear some of you wondering why I use content rather than happy. Well, it is a simple thing, but not so simple to explain; You see, while I am very content with myself and life my “bubble” in the world, I am NOT always happy. Sometimes I feel sadness (normal regular sad, not dark sad), sometimes anger, but even with all the other emotions I sometimes feel, at the very root of it all, there is always contentment. You don’t have to be “happy” to be … well, happy. Which is why I chose the word content.
I LIKE where I am at the moment and maybe to outsiders I may even seem stagnant, but I LIKE it, I like this place I am in. YES, I know, there are some things I want to change, and I am/will(or won’t bother) with some of them. I LIKE my rut, I like my life. And I will sometimes do things that will take me out of that comfort zone, and that’s ok, but it is very ok if I want to saty in my rut, as long as I am content. and THAT is what I need to remember, as long as I am content, It’s all good, but when you are content, then you need to look at what needs changing. I would like to think that is what I am doing now.
My brain does still de-rail at the oddest times (like a second ago …), and it is something I am trying to push through and work on, but it isn’t affecting my contentment.
*total b/train derailment* !!!
I seriously need a maid, or at least someone to help me get my house re-organized. That is some of my issues with brain derailment.
Also think I need to get out once in awhile again. Maybe once money is stable again, hubby fucked his knee up and missed two days of work — so while we are ok for most bills, doesn’t leave much “play money”.
You know, scary thought moment; my posts really are just me in type. It is how my brain thinks, I just dump it out and try to sort as I go. Very much a scattered brain process. Got worse when I was really sick, but hasn’t improved much, not the way I had hoped.
The fact I like minecraft just to go mining and explore caves should tell you something about me. (what? I have no clue!) Seldom do anything over world, just in my caves, explore the caves (LOVE the actual mines … I do that for HOURS). And I get “lost” in my filling of lava pits. yep. Never with monsters, just alone, wandering my caves. (yeah, I get the connection to my brain, which is why I mentioned it. :D)
Ok, I am done, My brain is officially gone to lunch without me!
Just had to mention that I am in a good place, makes me all …. excited. 😀 I like smiling!