Deep thoughts

So many thoughts pounding in my head,
Lost in the fog that threatens once again.
Putting words to paper is a chore,
and all to quickly forgotten before the form.
The words hide as I try to find them,

Forever dancing out of reach.
How do I express myself without the words?
Socializing is difficult, not the answer.
Written is my way, but the fog fights me.

Once, I thought it friend,
Embraced its darkness, hid in its depths.
I have felt the light at the edge of the forest,
Been without the weight of the darkness,
To turn back now is not an option.
It is a terror I cannot face again.

Susan Eisner
Sept. 5 th/2013

I wrote that last night on twitter, and cleaned it up some today. It still needs polish, but I had to share.

I have been struggling lately. Mostly with my mental health, but a small portion of bodily health. So many things, I want to share I don’t know where to begin, or even what to say.

It is nothing like it was, but I know that my brain fog is slowly trying to creep back. I find myself more and more having to put extra effort in remembering simple things like where I just set my drink, or if I remembered to take my meds.

Overall health is ok, I am stiffening up some, but that could just be lack of activity.

I am trying to figure out if this is my thyroid medication needing to be changed, my allergies are flaring up, the weather turning wet and colder, or just “that time of year”.  Getting back into a routine for Sons school year doesn’t help either.

Whatever the case, I do know that it is exasperated by my fear of returning to that forest of fog in my brain, not being able to think.

This is the first second poem/thing I have written in years, possibly 16? (I vaguely remember writing one after my son was born) And it felt great, even if it was just to release the jumbled thoughts and emotions that keep sleep at bay.

I read Jenny’s (The Bloggess) post regarding that feeling of inadequacy, that she feels most days, it got me thinking. SO many sympathized and shared their own thoughts and feels on the subject. It really helped me. Made me realize ALL these years of not feeling “good enough” and “what if” have been a waste. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I KNOW that some of the “could have” and “should have” is accurate, but for fuck sakes! (sorry Mom!) I have parents who chose me (I was adopted) and love me, and did a damned good job raising me! (even when I was a brat.) I have a husband who I love with all my heart, and dotes on me, I have an AMAZING son who, while typical mouthy teen, never gets into trouble, and has a great head on his shoulders.

Is everyone “perfect”? NO! none of us are, we all have faults some where, some how in our persons, but we are caring and loving of each other, in spite of because of our faults!

We have a roof over our heads, food on the table, clothes on our backs, and even some fancy gadgets. No, not all bills are paid on full, but payments get made, and the basics are dealt with.

My son alone should tell me I have been pretty darn successful! Because even with mine, husbands, and sons faults, he has made it to grade 12, no drugs or drinking etc … And almost daily he makes me proud, or thoughtful, or even just smile!

How can that be “unsuccessful”? Or inadequate?

But, depression lies (As Jenny The Bloggess would say), And It isn’t about the money, or people, it is about yourself and your family (friends are family too). If those are good, and make you happy? Then you need a long talk with yourself. At least, I do!

We ALL beat ourselves up, we are NOT alone in most things, there ARE others like you, just love you and the rest is icing on the cake!

Pep-talk aside, I admit the worst part of these symptoms flaring up, is the paranoia. I feel like a kid needing approval for everything I do. Like if no one comments/talks to me/phones/whatever, I am worthless and;

No body loves me, everybody hates me, I think I’ll go eat worms ….

This too shall pass. This too shall pass. This too shall pass

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