Doctors and screwed up brains

Saw a fill in doctor instead of my regular doctor. First mistake of the day. Second mistake? Letting it get to me. But I just. can’t. help it.

See, this “temp” doctor didn’t up my thyroid meds. Apparently 2.5 is middle of the “normal range” (unless in the states, then it is high normal), and even though it is a .5(or .6?) climb from just 3 months ago, that is all normal. It could just be a blip. Also, apparently all my symptoms coming back is all in my head. See, when your thyroid is in the normal range, you do not get symptoms. Did you know that? I sure as hell didn’t know that. My FAMILY whom I am now irritated at constantly didn’t know that, and my body which is in constant need of sleep but can not sleep sure as hell didn’t know that.

Apparently, it is just stress, or a change in my life. MY symptoms are too generic for him to change my medication. But, you know, I can go and have more blood taken out in a month (rather than 3 months) in case it was a blip, lab error, or maybe it is climbing.

Oh, I don’t know Dec #’s 1.29, Jun #’s 2.1…, and Oct 2.58 (maybe .54?) isn’t really showing a tread of climbing. Am I angry? You bet your sweet ass I am angry. Do I think I should let it go? Yeah, as a matter of fact I do. He made some good points, BUT (here’s the kicker) I KNOW MY BODY! I KNOW when it is not right. I DO NOT WANT this anger, depression, and paranoia to creep back, and it is! It is getting harder to fight it off. My memory is getting lost again.

For fuck sakes, I got jealous tonight of someone I have never met … over something I DO NOT CARE ABOUT!! WHAT? And not a “haha, I am jealous”, I mean I wanted to kick the person, scream life is not fair, and then I cried. TELL ME that is not something wrong?

COULD it just be SADs? Maybe, but I haven’t had majority of the other symptoms in winter EVER, and when I do get SADs, the earliest I got it was end of Nov, and only because it was a really bad year for rain and dreary. Usually it isn’t until end of Dec. Jan. When it feels like it will never end, and just gets too much. But I know I am “happy”, with the weather and shit, but I can’t BE “happy”.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I just want to go to the cabin BY MYSELF and stare at the stars, cry and SCREAM so loud even the most fierce of animals would be scared of me. You know, some days, days like this, I REALLY wish I could control my dreams. I would dream myself out of myself and just in a cocoon of nothing. Sort of a vacation from myself.

NO this does NOT mean I want to die. Far from it. I have too much to live for (when I am like this, I have to dig for it, but there, it is lots). No, I just want a break from reality, just a little one. One where I can take my mind out of the equation and the emotions and just truly be free from myself long enough to get a fresh perspective.

But, since that won’t happen, I wouldn’t mind one night where I can fall asleep before 1 or 2 am, sleep right through until morning, and get a real, honest to goodness, nights sleep!

I did learn my lesson, stick with my usual doctor, good or bad, he listens.

Even if this guy had only upped my meds 2 micrograms, not enough to matter, but enough to help over time (few months?), I would have felt like this guy heard me, and not just waiting for me to leave. I really felt like I didn’t matter. Oh hell, even if he had said “Look, I am not comfortable upping your meds right now because you are in the normal range, but maybe in a few weeks time, get your blood tested again — to make sure it is a climbing trend — and come see your regular doctor then”, I think I would have been okay with that.

NOT at the end of the appointment, as a last ditch effort to shut me up “You could always go for more blood tests in a month or something if you really are concerned . But honest, you are middle of the range, and shouldn’t be feeling any of these symptoms”.

Fuck you very much doc. You reinforced my belief 99% of the planet is ass-holes.

Now, I am off to find something to punch (possible a creeper — minecraft), or wake the whole family so they can be pissed off too. MWAH HA HA.

Maybe I should think about taking up the art of drinking. I hear it can alter moods. (ohhh I do have some strawberry wine! Yeah, maybe a glass of that)

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