Did you know, depression is one of the biggest ass-holes?
I have never fully given voice to my depression. It has always been “Yeah, I get “depressed” if you want to call it that.” or “Never been officially diagnosed, but I sort of get it.” Never have I said “YES, I have depression”.
Why? BECAUSE I have never been diagnosed. Sure, Doc said I more than likely have Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D), and I do get “low points” because of my thyroid, but never have I thought to give my low points the official name. Not sure exactly why? Yeah, ok, maybe I do. I am afraid if I give it a voice, a name, that it will become that thing. If I SAY I have depression, or am prone to it, then it becomes depression.
See, it is NOT bad enough to need medication, well, not more than my thyroid medication. SELDOM does it last more than a few months, and seldom more than just overly sensitive to sappy/bad/angry things. Yeah, I cry more, become more easily bored, lazier than usual (though, I doubt that is very possible? I am pretty damned lazy!!), and sometimes I become easier to anger.
Today though, I think I will name it. I have depression.
Why today? Really not sure. NOT for sympathy, maybe camaraderie? NOT for any pity, don’t need pity. I do need to shake it though.
I have been doing well in general. Sure, I know my thyroid is off, but only a month and a bit to go before I can shake doc down for a new dosage. But, any emotional issues from that I have been able to push down, and work through.
I will try to explain this, it probably won’t make sense, but I will try.
Today, I woke up, same as any day. I was in a decent mood, tired (nothing new), every intention of doing household chores like laundry and dishes (knowing full well I would probably not do it), and shower.
Thing is, I was debating about the shower, thinking about laundry etc, and went for a smoke planning out my time-table for the day, when it struck. It was the ODDEST feeling. Like when you sit at a window staring at the beauty of nature ABSORBING the sun (need me some sun!) and someone closes the curtain, the coolness strikes you first …. Only, not like that? Like … oh no clue, like a wet blanket on a fire, or maybe a dimmer switch on the light bulb?
I just know it just hit that fast and I KNEW my mood had gone south for the winter with OUT me!! I sat there, and marvelled at how I knew, how I felt it. Boredom, tiredness, nothing interested me, and I couldn’t just shake it like I usually can.
THAT is part of why I am calling it out, naming it. Usually it is gradual, I don’t really notice, just sort of one day go “OH! Crap, I have been like this awhile” not just BOOM sitting there and NOTICE!
So guess what “Depression” Yeah, I have you, but you will NOT have me, not this time. I AM going to have my shower (I will! no, really, I will) THEN, even if it is just to rinse and stack the dishes neatly? I WILL do some house work, and I will NOT let this boredom (always how my depression seems to manifest) become, enable if you will, my depression. Nope. NOT today.
See, anger towards it helps me, couldn’t do that if I didn’t admit I have it. *lightbulb*
I have been good, happy even, you will NOT claim me, not today!!
Just wish I knew why my eyes were leaking? Don’t feel sad! If anything, this post helps me feel slightly empowered. Will be more empowering when I get my ass off the couch and shower/do things.
Today, I kick depressions ass before it can kick mine! grrr