As always, I will try to make this brief, but, knowing my inability to get a word in edgewise in real life, chances are this will ramble on insanely.
I have been sick for about a week now, probably longer if you count the long assed “yo, hey, this is your body here, we might make you sick in a bit, so keep an eye out for that” work up to being sick that I tend to get. Mostly just tiredness and allergy type symptoms, nothing that would make me think that I was getting sick. At any rate, that long run-on sentence was to lead into this; When I get sick, I tend to sleep very crappily and when I do sleep I get the weirdest dreams. These dreams also tend to lead to odd wanderings of my mind while awake, or trying to fall to sleep.
Last night was no different. One minute I was annoyed as hell about the husbands snoring, next I am re-living childhood memories, Trying to remember if I had friends, how happy was I? and really, did I WANT to be a loner, even back then? I came to the conclusion, it doesn’t really matter how or why I am who I am, I am just me and I like me (most of the time). It did make me realize though, how little I remember from my childhood. I am NOT that old that I should have troubles recalling things like neighbours, friends, even special spots.
I remember my first “make out session” in grade school. Not sure how old, I just remember everyone being grossed out (us included) but we liked each other, had heard a lot about if from older siblings, and of course TV, and figured we’d give it a shot. Hard to make out on a school playground when the whole school of kids (under grade 6, over had separate playground) wants to watch and learn and ewww at you. I don’t remember the kissing or anything, as much as the laughter and trying to find new hiding spots. It was like a twisted game of hide-n-seek.
The next kiss I really remember, I would have been almost 10 or 11? It was summer time, and this boy (and his twin sister) who always visited family every summer, was in town. From my point of view, it was partly jealousy of his sister (she did NOT like he and I having alone time and would usually butt in), and partly my hormones coming to life and needing someone to figure out what was what. We escape to my own “private spot(s)” in the back woods of my parents property, I was never THAT interested to take him to my REAL spots, just ones off the trail in case someone came by. Again, I don’t remember a lot about the kissing and touching, it was more the thrill. AND the bug bites. OH HOLY CRAP the bug bites. Mosquitoes know I am there from miles away, they find me! EVERY mosquito in Nova Scotia found me that day! I was one big welt! You know, I also remember being relived when I head Mom calling … huh, hadn’t remembered that part until just now. Funny how memories work.
I can’t remember the name of my best friend before my BFF moved in next door. I would take the bus to her house almost every day, but I can’t remember her name, or the crazy awesome cheese toast her mom would make us. I can’t remember the name of the boy who, in junior high, was always there for me. I have flashes of his name, I think I remember, am about to say it in my head, but it vanishes. He and I would talk for HOURS on the phone almost every night. Looking back, I wonder what our thing was? He knew who I was crushing on, but I don’t remember him ever liking anyone? He could out talk me, which back then was amazing. I still smile when I think about all our talks, none which I remember. He WAS my true friend. I think it was Jordy, Jody? J something. 😦 I wonder if he remembers?
I remember my “BFF”, Lisa, next door, how she would slam the door in my face when she was in a mood. Looking back I have to wonder if I was THAT desperate for friends that I’d let her treat me that way? OH we pull some stupid stunts. I think I was a bully? eww harsh! I never thought of it that way? We were jealous of her horse (another name I can’t remember), so Lisa and I would do some stupid assed shit! Very ashamed now! But, back then we thought it funny and in a week or so, would laugh with her. hmm Wonder how she felt? I have been bullied, mostly from when we moved from Nova Scotia to British Colombia, And man … Some stuff you do NOT forget!
I guess I was bullied in NS, but I had more confidence there, felt more at home (lived there all my life. KNEW people, had knowledge of things from grade school etc.), here, I was the outcast, never fitting in. Now of course I don’t care, but, that is a more recent feeling. (recent for me being a decade)
As I type this out, I realize I have many memories, ‘kick the can’, hide-n-seek, red rover, all when the sun when down (and day time). Thing is? Most of that was with my brothers friends. I don’t remember much with my own friends, or kids my own age. I had a lot more fun with them. They treated me like I was part of the group, Sure sometimes they’d ditch me, but usually with a “sorry kiddo but you are too young, next time?”
It’s odd what you remember and what you don’t. WHY can’t I remember names? WHY are most of my clearest memories when I was alone at the beach climbing the giant rocks? or on my bike riding “around Canada” (it was approximately a 2 mile road, the approx. shape of the outline of Canada.)
When did I become a loner? Have I always been? I don’t remember ever feeling alone, but I don’t remember any “true” friends either.
What are your first memories? How much do you feel your childhood has influenced who you are now?