Not quite sure what’s what today. I have been in a “Not yet depressed” type funk. I have made myself do laundry (which I hate) and avoid making bread (which I enjoy), to what end? I don’t know. A friend on FB posted an article about a runner and her showing her “real” body. It motivated me … for a second. It bolstered me, made me feel good that even healthy people have “pudge”.
Then Wil Wheaton posted about his weight and again, for a brief shining “AH HA” moment, I was motivated. That’s when I got teary. Not in a depressed way (and I am not saying that because I hate the word and the stigma attached), no, it was different. I don’t know why, or how to explain it, but I will try. (this blog is also for me to look back and reflect and learn from … I hope)
I had a wave of self pity, with a dash of self loathing I think. I AM lazy, I admit that, but not all of my inactivity is laziness, or even medical. Mental, oh big time mental. I have in the past tried to be active, it is not something I enjoy, and when my health crapped out it hurt me, my lungs wouldn’t work, I’d want to throw up, the foggy brain got worse. It was scary! I will be honest and say that for awhile that alone kept me from doing to much. But now, I KNOW my health is well regulated, and before December I was doing great on the treadmill, then
“depression kicked in. Nothing major, nothing I would admit to for that matter. But it was there.
I always hear in my mind “You can’t do this! It won’t work”, “Why do you even bother to try? You did it for 4 months straight and just got flabbier!”, “Who are you fooling. You are fat and that is the way it always will be.”
Yeah, I am one hell of a bitch! If I heard someone say that to someone I’d smack ’em. If anyone said it to me I’d be pissed, and hurt. But not sure I’d believe them. But, it’s me telling me, so it much be true right? WRONG! BUT, there’s the whole of it isn’t it? I KNOW it’s wrong, I KNOW my husband loves me, I KNOW people thing I am ok etc etc. But, knowing and believing are so far apart, aren’t they? and when it is your own self telling you these lies, these hurtful things? How do you ignore it? How do you shut it up?
I KNOW I enjoy the treadmill, and I know I should. But ….
I have no excuse not to. I just don’t want to. Not right now.
Really hate this time when higher meds haven’t fully kicked in. (which is why I say it’s not depression. Just has a different feel to it.)
Once my thyroid is running better, I know this oddity will steady, and motivation should return. In the meantime, I just have to remember these flickers of it and a good sign, not something to get worked up over, just look forward. I think until then, I best avoid the internet and any posts on … everything?! Who knows what will set this off again.