Reflections

Don’t really think this post counts as a thyroid issue, but here it is anyway.

This will be a very jumpy post. Going from subject to subject, random thoughts, and sentences without endings. You’ve been warned.

I wouldn’t class myself in a depressed state today, but certainly have a lot rattling around in my brain. General what if’s, why’s, and all those questions.

I will be 45 this September (does quick math-yeah, 45), and I am realizing a lot has happened in that time, yet, in the same breath, I have done nothing. I have had a child, a step child (LONG story gone wrong), been married, never divorced (and not planning on it, ever) … *trails off to silence*

I have been on a huge baking kick. Trying to get things stocked up. Not quite sure where that is coming from. Maybe in preparation for my next “don’t wanna do nothin'” moment? I have had an interesting thing today. Trying to freeze pizza dough for a grab and go night … Darn things kept rising in the freezer! Don’t think it is suppose to do that. Not really worried, can deflate and re-rise a dough, so that’s not an issue. But it sort of defeats the saving room idea.

Today I have been thinking a lot about my life, what has happened, how it effected my life, and whether I am over some things.

I was bullied as a teen, over weight (in retrospect, I wasn’t really), and “mousey”. Had mild social skill issues, which has grown into huge social issues. I had friends, we were all the “outcasts” or “weirdos” back then. I did stupid shit to try and fit in.

I have come to grips with the fact I have no friends (in “real life”, a few on-line, some I would trust my life with). And most days? That is just perfect for me. I don’t like people in general. Not one reason, and lots of little things, just don’t like ’em. YET, I would love a friend, someone I could talk to, hang out with when I need to get out of the house, hell, have over for dinner and board games. I am NOT an active person, and those things I’d like to do takes money I just don’t have. I guess I just want someone (who isn’t my husband) to be able to share confidantes with. Someone to pick me up when I am low, celebrate with me when I am good, to share my love of board games, baking, and laziness. 😉

Something else I have been thinking about today, the step kid. So much back story, so little time. What he put my son through, and me … It really has effected my son and me, in how we deal with people, and each other. Our little family is extremely close, blocking out others (sometimes even other family members like my parents and brother). It has caused my son to have stress factors just thinking about school and people. It is really hard to conve just how much that child affected us. BUT, I wonder, I see his facebook stuff (He is friends with my husband and son) from time to time, and I see how he is (on-line at least), and I wonder, how can he be so … fine? How can he not know what destruction he left in this family? I don’t “hate” the kid, sorry, young adult. But I sure do have something there. I have a resentment that he seems to be fine, yet my son still has stress and distrust of anyone he hasn’t know forever. I Have lots of resentment that not once has anyone (hubby’s mother is in this equation) said “Oh, sorry.” No one has acknowledge what was done to me or my son. No one has admitted that that kid had MAJOR issues, and what was said about me was all a lie …

 

Ok. enough of that. Yeah, anger issues there.

You know, my son will be 18 in July. DAMN I am feeling old. 😀 I am beginning to worry about him more now than I ever have. How will he been in the “adult” world that he is fast approaching? He is an AMAZING kid, smart as a whip, and has a great head on his shoulders. It isn’t a justified worry. I KNOW he will be ok. Yet, there it is. Back of my mind “Will he be ok?”

Since he has left school at Spring Break … HUGE change. So much happier, more relaxed. Now, if we can just work on his room staying clean? hehe

I have made mistakes in my work life, and personal life I am sure, but all this reflection has made me realize one huge thing, Life really isn’t that bad (health stuff aside). I have an amazing husband and son. Yeah, money might be tight at times, but we have each other and while at times I wish I had (a) friend(s), yeah, life is ok.

 

Now if the sun would just peek it’s head out? :/

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