I usually avoid most news worth topics, for many reasons. Main two being my emotional state at the best of times, and the fact I suck at getting coherent thought and knowledge out of my mouth. (No, seriously, I SUCK at stringing words together when in a debate situation, even in a family, fun situation given loads of time to think. I just can not do it. MY brain has the words, my mouth just can’t use them.)
But, for this, I will break my vow to never mention news stuff. This Elliot kid … At first I followed it as I do all news, I may not talk about news, but I do want to know it, but, then I watch a whole minute and a half of his video. I freaked the fuck out. I got numb, and cold, and … just holy crap. The guy creeped me the fuck out.
It wasn’t until I was talking with my son that I clicked in. When my step was 13, 15? Maybe 14? and “kicked out” (in his words) he looked so similar to this kid. And whenever he was questioned about kicking a cat, hitting his brother (golf clubs, boards, bats, whatever), or even kicking, punch and what not with me … he had that same look, same dead tone, and quiet. He could lie! OH could he lie. He’d be able to sell ice to an Eskimo as my Mom would say. Or sand to a camel.
The similarities scared the shit out of me. The differences however are vast. And in appearances, my step is out there, somewhere, living a life with a billion friends.
Every 5 years or whatever he will contact his Dad and ask to visit. I usually get stone cold and sweaty, until my husband says “I never answered, I won’t answer”.
I have mentioned to many, many times what has happened with that child, and it probably doesn’t scratch the surface.
For a very long time no one believed me (I think even my husband thought it was exaggeration), but no one can hide that black of a soul forever. I am sure I am more scarred than I even could imagine, but I only think of my son. I KNOW his personality, his life was formed by that kid. His distrust, his social phobias … it breaks my heart.
90% of the time I keep it together, and can even go years now without much thought, but once in awhile, something, something like this shooting, will trigger me, I see his face, I see the fear in my son, I feel the fear in myself …
I wonder if I will ever truly be over it? CAN I ever truly be over it?