How much we forget when we don’t want to remember

Don’t think the title has much to do with the post, just popped into my head earlier today and wouldn’t leave me alone!

So, needless to say, I am feeling better. Pretty sure last time I was on the Prednisone I started to cough up stuff almost immediately, this time it is just barely starting tonight. Could be it’s only been two months, and last time was 6? Possibly. I do know my throat is much more raw this time around. So that could be in part why my coughing, while much less, is still hanging around. Or, could just be the simple fact it is ONLY the second day of the pills. heh

Not sure what it is about Prednisone, but it sure as hell works. Side affects be damned, it is worth it to breath properly and not cough up a lung every 5 seconds. Not yet to the point I trust myself without a pee pad on, but soon, oh very soon. I hope.

Went to doc for the hubby today, doc has agreed he NEEDS some mind and soul detoxing from work. Not my place to give much more information until he has talked with his work people and figured out the next step. And since that hasn’t happened yet — tomorrow — that would explain why he is still such a bundle of raw nerves. I had hoped doc telling him he needed time off again, and the fact his job folks seem willing to help him/us come up with a monetary solution (no clue what, EI, disability, some sort of deal?) I thought he’d be a bit more at ease after the doctor.

I get stress, and even the depression aspect, but so seldom do I get feelings of anxiety style stress, I am finding it difficult to fully understand. Oh, I do feel anxiety, but usually AFTER the fact and for a short period of time. The odd time I do have anxiety before something, I am okay at putting it to the side and pushing through it “manning up” (fuck I hate that saying, or any other that fits my meaning), “toughing it through” or whatever else you want to say. Sure, I feel the butterflies and the stomach cramps, but I know XYZ needs to be done, so after going through all the “what ifs” in my head I just say fuck it, do it, then feel stupid for worrying (usually).

I have tried to use those few times as a reference to what he (and others I know) have/do go through, but I have a sneaky feeling it isn’t even a tiny fraction of what they feel. And it hurts my heart That I can’t sympathize more and be more supportive. Oh, I am trying, believe me! BUT EVERYTHING I SAY, just seems so … shallow, empty, false. I DON’T know, how can I “get it”?

So, I have resorted to just hugging, and loving, and letting him know I am here, and that we WILL be OK, it WILL be solved some way, some how. Still doesn’t seem enough, but it is worth a try.

Now, back to myself. I am trying really hard to find one thing a day that I am happy about. ONLY as a last resort will I use family and “obvious” answers, like life. I want to try for things around me that I use often, or what to use often. For example, my mixer, my phone, my computer, books, etc.

Today/tomorrow (because I JUST thought of this idea very recently), I will pick my cell phone. Which in many ways is a few things in one. I am still just as happy with it now as I was the day we got them. It helps me track my meds, periods, and money. I can play games, and it is slowly getting me back into reading, which I still struggle with concentration, but it is coming around. I can connect to other people, even when I want to hide away. All around it is a part of my lifeline to sanity. (Too cliché? hehe) For tomorrow, I will try to narrow down to one or two things about the phone that is the best. OH, and texting. I am VERY Grateful for texting. It helps hubby and I connect while he is at work, and if he just needs an “I love you”. And somehow, he just seems to know when I need one too.  Hmm narrowing it down might be harder than I thought.

Yes, I am aware that I “shouldn’t” pick an object or “trifle” things for such a thing. But guess what, my life, my blog and I can choose whatever the hell I want! It’s about being happy, and YES of course my family and other “meaningful” things give me joy, but know what? That is every day, all the time. I am never NOT grateful for those things. Something like my phone is a tangible item, something I can hold, look at, and use. A reminder of all the other things as well. And really? Who cares if a phone makes me happy. I am happy. Ok? Fine with you? Goddammitall! 😛

Now, I am off to watch some “Orange is the new Black”. FINALLY on season 2.

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