This has nothing to do with my thyroid, or my health, mental health in a generalized way, maybe, but this is just a post to void my brain of the last day or so.
As I am sure most know by now, the world sucks, in a general way. There are wars, fighting, freedom stealing, and politicians (which basically are making the first 3. *glares*) And, of course, death. Now, let me state, I DO care what is going on in the rest of the world, I may not say much about it, or even seem like I care. This is for a number of reasons; I need to look after my own little corner of the world FIRST, which is family and myself, second, while I like to think of myself as a strong person, my emotions can become very raw very easily when dealing with things that happen on the news. Which is made worse at this time as I am just finished my menstruation (ALWAYS affects me more than usual) and I am “keeping it together” and being extra strong for my husband, son, and myself right now. Oh, sure our issues are NOTHING like what is going on in the middle east, or Ferguson, but it is more than enough for me at the moment. Especially when you are prone to depression.
Which leads me to what DID crack me this past day. Robin Williams. Just thinking his name can still bring a tear to my eye. I have searched for a reason as to why he is my straw that cracked me, and I have a few theories, but no solid reason I can grasp. Sure, I grew up knowing who he was, comedian, actor, seemingly lovable guy. Someone you’d want to hang out with, someone who could always make the world seem a better place. And maybe that is part of it? I haven’t seen much of his stuff in the last few years, and it is hard to explain, but he was someone that was always there, even if you hadn’t watched anything of his in decades! My son could do a pretty good impersonation of Robin Williams Genie, Hubby would quote a few lines from different movies, a TV show would say something and it’d remind you of his work … He was just always there, always bringing a smile to your face.
Oh I don’t know, I don’t know WHY his death is hitting me so hard. Maybe because there is so much nastiness in the world, and he was a beacon of lightness? Maybe because he was suffering from depression and that is what allegedly claimed him? Whatever it is, it opened the flood gates, everything now makes me tear up, Ferguson, Middle east, all of it. I just want everyone to take a second and realize that everyone has rights. Women, men, children, animals, we all have a right to live, we all have a right to feel safe.
It may sound silly, niavee even, but my heart and mind just can’t take it anymore. It’s why I avoid the news (keep up just enough to know stuff, but not enough to hurt).
It makes it hard to focus on the good, almost guilty if I feel happy (not just Robin’s death, ALL of it. Kids are dying, rights being taken away). BUT, a friend on twitter made me stop and think of something ood, and you know what? WHY? Why CAN’T I feel happy? Focus on the good? Doesn’t mean I don’t care. Just means I need to keep myself sane. It’s ok to be happy even if the world around me is burning to the ground.
Today, today I am happy I have a loving family, a son who is not in trouble and, at 18, STILL gives his mother hugs and snuggles and tells me he loves me.
Today I am grateful to everyone who suffers mental illness – anxiety, depression, anything – is still alive, and those close to me still in my life and still fighting. I love you all, I love myself. We deserve to be here, we deserve to be happy. AND we even deserve to have a selfish day!
Hugs to me, and to you.