TMI post. Run away now.

No, seriously, turn away now! You do NOT want to read this unless you can handle butts, bowels, and poop. You have been warned!!

Sorry Facebook, I have no control over the character count before you have to click to read. Here’s hoping the nasty stuff is hidden for you.


I am posting this in part for the gross factor, but mostly for myself. I need to get all the facts out of my brain so I can discuss this with my doctor and mention all the details. So you lucky readers get to read all about it (if you don’t heed the warnings).

As I have mentioned before, I have had bowel issues for as long as I can remember, and hemorrhoids since I was pregnant (now 19 years ago! When the hell did I get so old?). Not sure about my bowel movements as a kid, Mom says I was normal enough, but did struggle, whatever that means? But I do remember as a (pre)teen taking forever to go (we are talking almost an hour, or more), and it was not unusual for me to go 4 – 7 days without pooping. But I didn’t have problems with hemorrhoids then. And the actual poop was normal enough.

When I got pregnant, the first 6 months were amazing! No periods (that’s a whole other story), no weird cravings, really smooth pregnancy! Then, at about the 7th or 8th month things went sideways. First, my wisdom teeth made themselves known and I had to have them removed, I was so huge the back pain became difficult to handle, I got some sort of stomach flu that led to all of the above, and more bowel issues. I actually had stomach pains so bad I thought I was in labour. Ended in the hospital one night. And, I even had a fainting/throwing up spell while we were at the insurance place. (hottest June on record) AND, I got hemorrhoids so painful, and so large they actually pushed past my butt cheeks!

I tried everything, creams, stiz baths, and a bunch of other stuff I don’t even remember. It took almost a week, in my 8th month, but they finally went away. And I have had troubles with them ever since. They have never gotten as big as they did when I was pregnant, but they do get large enough to be noticeable.

The troubles I am having now started about 6 years ago. At least that’s when I started to take notice in what was going on back there. It’s just gotten worse in the last 2 – 3 years.

For about 6 years now I have had problems with the poop itself. It was seldom firm, usually very soft, not quite diarrhea, and never normal looking. Wasn’t round or anything, was more of triangular shape. Just odd. And my hemorrhoids were more often. Rather than once or twice a year, they were almost a monthly thing.

In the last few years it’s just gotten weirder. It started around my periods, becoming more like diarrhea and more urgent a day or two before I actually got my period, then nothing for a few days, then back to urgent. I also had more and more of my hemorrhoids pop. The first time freaked me out so bad I called my Mom, then the nurses hotline. SO much blood. if I hadn’t already crapped? I would have shit myself. HA! After the first one, it was about a year before it happened again, and it slowly became a regular sight every time I pooped. In the last 6 months or so it has tapered off, but still enough I find it annoying.

I also get an upset stomach, cramping, and almost labour type need to push when I do go to the bathroom. as long as I go every day, I am ok, but if I miss even one day, I go through 2 – 3 days of problems. The bloating and cramping, upset stomach. It truly feels as if I am giving birth from my ass! I try very hard not to push (so it’s not so hard on the hemorrhoids), but I have NO choice in the matter. My body bears down like my insides are trying to escape from prison or an alien probe or some other witty reference. Then I spend the rest of the day soaking my ass. I use cloths I soak in hot tap water*, let it soak for a bit then soak the cloth, wring it out, soak my ass, and do this for about 20 minutes, or until my hands are bright red, and I can no longer feel anything on my ass. Usually I will get a few times than feel as I have been kicked in the vagina by an angry horse, a few times! BUT, it is worth it.

It will usually take until the end of the day, but eventually either the hemorrhoid(s) pop, or what ever it is that irritates the inner hemorrhoids is brought out? I don’t know what it is, but it is (this is gross, skip now) a clear mucus mixed with what I assume is fecal matter? extremely rare for blood, and usually then only if it already popped before when I was still popping. Once that “ooze” has happened, I usually only need one more soak with luke-warm water later in the night. IF I can go the next morning, then I am fine, if not, I start it all over again the next time I go.

I am going to ask doctor for a colonoscopy, and the surgery to get rid of all hemorrhoids. And anything else he might need to do? I swear I have a blockage or something. When I am going through a day like that, I can usually go 2 – 4 times in the day, each time a fair amount. More than you would think. And it has this, odd bad breath type odor to it that I can not explain. But it is not normal poop smell.


And if you ACTUALLY read this? DAMN but you need a life, or a medal! I seriously worry about you. 😀






* Our hot water is about 70C or 160f — tested about a year ago. I think it was 161? Which would have been Fahrenheit, I’d think.

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