Update – YES, it WILL be TMI.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you …

For the record? I could have updated Monday, maybe, but after the anesthetic I was knocked flat and slept majority of the day.

So, backing up to Monday morning. I woke up a bit grumpy since I couldn’t eat or drink after midnight, had a shower, got ready as my mother taught me (cleanest, non-holey underwear, clean, again, non-holey bra, and decent clothes etc.), and washed the blush off my face. I had forgotten you aren’t suppose to wear make-up. Which seems silly when I hardly wear anything but a bit of blush for colour.

Then I waited for the time to leave.

Mom and I got to the hospital, and checked in 15 minutes early (I am really bad for being super early). THAT was a mistake. My scheduled time was 11:30, I did not get in to the room (and a bed) until 1:30 or 2! You can imagine how loud my stomach was growling by then! And talk about dry mouth. HOLY CRAP. I thought I had a desert in my mouth. I know the nurses/doctor(s?) were sure I had sand in my veins, But I’ll get to that in a moment.

Once I was undressed (I was allowed to keep my socks on. YAY! I get horribly cold feet), the nurses bombarded me with a ton of questions, and then I got the dread fleet enema. O man. Two small bottles, about the size of a home hair dying bottle, of whatever the solution is squirted up my butt. Only took a few minutes before I was running to the toilet. Thankfully the bathroom was about 3 steps from my bed. It took about 10 minutes before I felt less like a wild animal sick in the woods, and more like a sick human squatting on a toilet. The worse part of that? I am a short s.o.b (5′ 3″) and the toilets are meant for giants (my feet were a foot of the ground)! Seriously, it is not a good situation when your bowels are cramping and being turned inside out. At least I had two gripping handles.

Once that horrible nightmare was over, I cleaned up (the nurse was VERY kind and sweet, got me some warm cloths to help with that) and back in bed, it was time to take me to the O.R. Thankfully the orderly who wheeled me down got me a nice warm blanket. I had asked for one before, but the nurses seemed under staffed, and I never got one (also didn’t get an I.V).

I had to wait a moment in the hallway for the Doctor to come and talk to me. He was nice enough, I suppose? He wasn’t really rude, just … I don’t know, I just didn’t really care for him. Not sure how to explain it, other than he was nice enough, just not my sort of folk? Anyway, he asked me all the same questions the nurses did, and wanted to know what I expected from the scope. “Gee, I don’t know doc, for you to take a look and find my problems? And get rid of my pain in the ass hemorrhoids?” That’s what I thought, what I said was “Hopefully to find out why I am having troubles with my bowels, feeling like I am in labour when I have a BM, and to get rid of my hemorrhoids so they aren’t so painful.”

Now, keep in mind this was JUST before I was put under, so the conversation is a bit fuzzy, but I do know that he was NOT going to fix the hemorrhoids no matter what I said. Not so sure he was joke when he said “Removing them will can cause infections, and that WILL make your bum fall off”. I laughed, but he replied that he was quite serious. Who knows, but the hemorrhoid removal was not, did not happen. GRRRRRR

So, in I was wheeled, and then began the hunt for my veins. At this point it was about 2? Maybe 2:30 so I had then been without any liquid for almost 15 – 16 hours (I was in bed by 10), so it’s not like my veins had anything but dust floating through them. The nurse or another doctor, possibly an intern, had the worst luck, tried twice in my one hand, and BOY HOWDY to it hurt like a son of a bitch. I just grunted a little and he asked if it hurt, “Yeah, kind of.” was my reply. My THOUGHT was “HOLY HELL YES! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? DRILLING FOR BONE MARROW?” honestly? it felt like the needle was going into the wrist bone. Not pleasant at all. After the second failed attempt (which has bruised up nicely), the older female nurse took over. Went into my other hand, and had it in in seconds, no pain, besides the small pinch, and away I went. They were NOT happy at the intake nurses for forgetting to give me an IV when I came in, but not much they could do.

Now, almost the second she got the needle in, and the bandage over it, I heard the male whatever say “I put in the anesthetic already. Forgot how fast it takes effect”. I WANTED to say “But I am not feeling it yet”, the younger lady nurse said something about oops needed to get me on my side first. And that was the last I remember until I woke up in the recovery.

First thing I said as I was waking up (it was a BOOM, I’m awake, no slow coming to), first thing I said to a nurse was “where’s the toilet!” She said I was still in the OR/recovery, and I would have to wait until I was back in the room. It was only about 10 or so minutes, but it FELT like an eternity. I just KNEW it was not gas that want to explode from my ass, it was going to be loud sure, but it was going to be a mess. Look lady, a person KNOWS their body. She told me that it was to go ahead and just let the air escape, it was natural after such procedures. I so badly wanted to grab her and yell, it is NOT GAS! instead, I calmly stammered that I was pretty darn sure it would be more than just air. I really did not want to let go unless I was on a toilet, it was the only way I could be comfortable (or some such babblings as I was still a bit woozy).

She felt my stomach a few times, and finally decided it was fine and I could go back to the room. The SECOND the wheels on the bed were locked I jumped of the bed, I think I flashed the nurse, and hopped to the toilet. (nurse insisted on holding me up) My ass was on the toilet a nano second when the biggest, loudest fart/splash was heard. I didn’t even feel embarrassed, just pure relief. Hell, even moments later when some guy opened the bathroom door and saw all my business, I didn’t care. Okay, he didn’t see much, just me hunched over groaning and he probably heard a continuous pfffffffffffffffffffffffffff sound broken only by the occasional soft splash. Not sure I have ever had a poop so pleasurable!

Once I was back in bed I was offered juice and food. I got the YUMMIEST bran muffin, and the most wonderful boxed apple juice. I have never tasted juice so sweet and liquid and cold and liquid. It was heaven. Just as it arrived Mom arrived to pick me up. It was then about 3:30. Almost 5 minutes later I was released and sent home.

I was home by 3:45 and in bed by 4!

I won’t know the full extent of what was found for about a month, but I do know that the doctor removed a polyp. But no my hemorrhoids.  😡

I’ll leave out my toilet adventures at home for another day. I’ll just say this, They weren’t quite was good as the first one after I woke up, but up in my top 10 for WHAT THE HELL moments. (and I haven’t gone since Monday night/Tuesday morning)


So how is YOUR week going?

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