Ok, so health is improving. Slowly but surely. Still can’t take deep breaths if it is raining, or sunny. HA! No, seriously though, depends on the pollen, Oddly, my cat allergy isn’t affecting my breathing in the house. Weird. 3 Cats, you’d think I’d be dead?
OH! I can’t remember if I mentioned it, but doc says my thyroid numbers are still 1.5! You have no idea how happy that makes me. Staying steady means it is under control (mostly). I can tell when I have the odd spike in numbers just from my mood and sleep patterns, but *knock on wood* those tend to last just a few weeks, again hand in hand with allergy season. I also usually get sick VERY easily those times.
You know, it’s odd how I can be depressed and not even really know. This winter, I knew I was a bit low, just no energy, but once the time changed and we had a few days of sun? I don’t think I ever felt so damned happy! I swear I am solar powered. I even cleaned some. Shocker I know, and if we had had more than the few days of sun? I bet I would even have washed my floors! (ask anyone, that is a HUGE thing for me)
Thing is, we have had almost 2 maybe 3 weeks of rain with the odd breaks for a minute of sun. And I THOUGHT I was handling it well. Really did.
See, I have noticed all my life that there are certain things I should avoid when I am “in a mood” (didn’t know it was depression back then). One being TV (binge watching – which back in the day was shows on VCR or movies over and over), the second is people (Oh, I can get MEAN). I have no clue what it is about certain shows (Arrow, Supernatural, and WAY back in the day, it was … well, Other shows/movies. Shut-up, we all have guilty pleasures!)
Music on the other hand, can calm me **.
See, Hubby and I have gotten hooked on Supernatural now (long story), so we have been binge watching it on Netflix. And, see, Even at my decaying age (I am damned near 46 now) I get stupid girly crushes on characters (usually on people that also seem genuine and sweet in real life. ie: Stephen Amell, and now Jensen Ackles). Not so much the person, though that’s there a bit too, but they all have a few things in common, the “rugged” look, and there is just something about the eyes. And, while they may not “look like” my husband? Somewhere in my warped brain, they do. Which I guess is good? (See, after all these years? I still think my husband is one HELL of a stud. 😀 I could lose myself in his eyes. *sigh*)
–End of tangent–
What happens is, I usually end up having the WEIRDEST dreams, and the moods/feelings/whatever, carries over into real life. It’s odd that when I am not depressed (or whatever you want to call it), I am fine. Not even a tiny issue.
NOT going into detail about last nights dream, (let’s just say, 4 episodes of Supernatural, and Binge watching You-tube videos of Jensen singing was a BAD BAD idea). All I know, is I have only had ONE panic/anxiety/depression attack in real life as bad as the one in my dream. A few minor ones I could control though. In the dream it was so bad, I woke up crying, and even when I went back to sleep, it just picked up where I left off.
(See, the “big one” in RL, *short version* was similar to the dream in that I KNEW something was wrong. BUT in real life, I bolted, became fine as soon as I was out of the area. but the next day found out something HAD happened. Maybe the real life one affected the dream?)
5 hours awake now, and I STILL find my heart racing off and on, and find my breath catching. Oh, it was bad. VIVID. Bad. NOT good. Other dreams broke in, like commercials, but the main running dream just wouldn’t leave me alone. The weird part? The “commercial dreams” were like the show, sort of, but the main one was just every day type stuff … but bad. SO SO VERY BAD! Seriously makes me want to reconsider EVER going to a convention. Never been (crowds, people, panic attacks… no thank you), but always wanted to go to one if I could ever get the money (and if it meant I could meet one person I have met online. She seems so damned cool. 😛 I want to hang with the cool kids mom!).
But now? Now … just THINKING about going to one starts my heart racing and the panic …. AHHHHHHAHAHAHAHHHHHHHHH
Holy fuck folks. The panic attack I had in dream won’t stop now that I am awake.
… Sad thing? Supernatural is my crack. hah I don’t think I can stop watching it.
Depression and me do NOT act normal, I can’t even be depressed right! THIS, THIS is why we can’t have nice things. How the HELL I got a husband is beyond me. I don’t even have friends. Go figure. (NOT that I want any. Easier to hide the nut job part. Online, I think, is the real me.)
** — which, I’d hate to think of the panic attack it could have been, since I had music in the dream!?! I’d probably be dead from an exploded heart and lungs. ACK!