Fighting isn’t easy

I’m not talking about an actual fight, or even verbal fight. I mean the battles we (mostly) all face in life. From bills, to jobs, families, and life. For me it seems to be all or nothing.

I battle my health, I battle depression, and I battle to keep my family safe (physically and mentally). Majority of times I do just fine, minus the housework, it ALWAYS suffers. But, it gets harder and harder when I know my husband is having a hard time. I tend to take on what others close to me are putting out. From physical pains to mental. Add that to my own and the fact MEN, am I right? It took me years to teach my husband how to open up and talk to me, but, then came his anxiety and stuff. And now, now I am always saying “what’s wrong?”

I know, stop asking, but I am a fixer. I HAVE to make sure everyone else is ok and fine before I can worry about me.

I just get tired of fighting for those happy moments. I am greedy, I want them all the time. I want everyone I know to have that. Most of the time I can grab the smallest thing and find that happy moment. But lately, seeing my husband so low, trying to convince me (and himself) that it’s all fine? It’s killing me. I want to make it all better. Yes, a part is selfish, I hate taking on others emotions when I am already so raw from my own, but the biggest part? I HATE seeing him so hurt. I miss the smile in his eyes, and it feels like there is this distance that I just can see, but it’s there.

Just wish I could step out of my life for even just a week. Put my brain and body on autopilot and go somewhere where I don’t even have to think.

I have a love hate relationship with my position in the family. On the one hand, I do NOT want to give up control. I WANT to be the rock, I need to be. But man, Sometimes the rock gets cracks too. Sometimes it would be nice to have someone else take charge and worry. Not that I know how to give that up.

If I ever fully crack? Pretty sure I’ll be living in my head in some forest, while the world sees me as a drooling empty shell. Doubt that will happen actually. Because JUST when I think I can’t take it any more, BOOM, either things ease up, or some how I find more strength. Just the way it is.

Think is, I think if I could just have one person to get out of the house with, talk to, it’d be ok. But, I have never been good with socializing, and making friends is next to impossible for me. Plus, from past experience, I give more than I get and it becomes more work than it’s worth. YET, even if they were to come back into my life needing help? I’d probably still do it. I’m a fool in that way. *shrugs*

ANYWAY, just needed to vent a bit before my brain exploded.

Wonder if duct tape works on emotional problems? hmm

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