Going on 3 hours of sleep for the second day in a row (not including naps). Today it was my cough that woke me, but both days I have been wide awake. Might have something to do with the coffee late at night? I have been craving it like crazy.
I have a crap ton of thoughts rambling in my head right now, most not worth getting out (just random shit). If I were to try, chances are they would all get jumbled and look like I was trying to type in some coded way.
Most thoughts are a bout money. Of course. We have enough for food and bills, it’s just the extras that I want, but can’t have. Things like I want new socks, but I don’t need them. Kiddo wants(needs?) new shorts (wears them year round, but he is picky and I can’t afford the ones he will wear). And, of course stuff like charities, fan things (like t-shirts, conventions, etc), and other “fun” things. NOT that I could handle the crowds of a convention. 😦 But I’d like to try once.
Most of our money “problems” aren’t really problems. Sure I’d love to be debt free, or at the very least be able to pay more than just over the minimum on things. But that requires winning the lottery, which also happens to be our retirement plan. haha
Thing is, no matter how good I am at juggling the money, and keeping us at the ok level, hubby is always stressed about it. Which is just adding to the problem.
Right now, as all my posts keep saying, I JUST WANT TO MAKE IT ALL BETTER! I HATE being helpless. I HATE not having answers. I just want to fix it. I really don’t like being on both sides of depression, meaning having it and seeing a loved one with it. At least with my own, most days, I know the ebb and flow, I can usually find something to hold on to. I have (sort of) accepted I have it for a long enough period of time that I can steer into the turn so to speak, and ride out my worst days with minor bumps and bruises.
Hubby on the other hand … I have to try and be patient, and I am NOT good at patience when it comes to others (again, that whole needing to fix things). I REALLY REALLY am trying to step back, remember he is “new to this” and needs to learn his own way, but it rips me apart. I don’t know if it is the newness or the fact he is a man, but he is not the talking type, so while he may not even realize he is having a bad day (might just feel off), I pick up on it, and then add to the problem by asking “what’s wrong”. The SECOND it is out of my mouth I kick myself. I am really working on just giving a hug or hand squeeze or even just saying “I love you” rather those dread words.
For me, I have this blog, it really helps, I also follow Wil Wheaton, Jenny Lawson, Jared Padalecki, and others. They all post about it, or do charity stuff for it, and I have NO CLUE why, but that really helps. (also a few non-famous folks I know – knowing there are others, even “real” folk, really helps with that I am NOT the only one thing for me).
SLOWLY the world is learning this is NOT something to be shunned for, and mental health IS important and not to be just gotten over.
Some days it is easier to be the one with the problem, than it is to witness it. I hate being helpless, I hate adding to the problems and worrying about what I say or do that might add to it. Which is why this blog (and even twitter) helps me.
This is where being the rock of the family comes in handy. Keep it to yourself and support others. Now if I could just get over that feeling that, if I am happy and he isn’t, it’s wrong?
Pftt why do humans have to have individual thoughts and feelings? Should all be the same. KIDDING! I do NOT mean that, sometimes though, it would be nice to have a fix/cure/help that was “one size fits all”.
Believe it or not, I am actually in a decent mood. Living in my own world (day dreaming I mean), and wishing I was filthy stinking rich, but other wise feeling good. 😀 (What if’s are a bitch)