So I am finally caught up on Supernatural. And tonights episode was, difficult. Thing is, I didn’t think much about it during the episode, it wasn’t until after and I was realizing it would be a week until the next episode! (Hey, binge watching from season one meant I could watch lots in a day. Waiting a week is HORRIBLE!) So, I started REALLY thinking about the episode, remembering some of the one liners and just the whole picture. It also brought back memories of my past.
It’s only been in the last few years that I have realized I have depression, and only just recently I have even truly admitted and owned it. (I’m a slow learner — HOW long have I been on hubby’s case? Hypocritical of me I know.) Anyway, I have also taken to look back on life and wondering if there were signs. I had teen angst (part of this story), and even young adult problems, but I never really thought of them as precursors to my current life/emotional state.
See, back in high school, I never fit in, not with any of the groups. Truthfully, never really wanted to. As long as I’d have at least one good friend, I was always ok. But, we moved from Nova Scotia to British Columbia, I did stupid shit, made a friend, and crap hit the fan. I was miserable most of the time. Not sure anyone knew.
And bullied. Boy was I bullied. But, I fought back. That’s a story for another day though.
Yeah, this is where a guy enters the picture. And, let’s face it, I wanted attention. I REALLY can’t remember what happened, but I was upset, asked the teacher if I could go to the bathroom. I had planned on just splashing my face with water, missing half the class and that was it. I did the cold water splash, and that was when I saw the mirror. Shattered. On the floor. I have NO CLUE what was going on in my head, I really don’t. I just remember thinking “They’ll be sorry”. Thing is? I hadn’t planned on it hurting. Trying to cut your wrists is really stupid, really REALLY stupid. But, I tried. Didn’t get far. The pain snapped me out of it damned fast, faster than the cold water ever could. I dropped the glass, had a good cry, then freaked the fuck out! “How can I hide this? People will see the scratches.” And yeah, I did try for a bit. I look back on that now and realize (besides being stupid) I was doing it all wrong any way.
Shortly after that, I carved “love” into my hand. Some perverted thought in my head as a way to remind myself to love myself. Such an idiot. (Is it weird that I can’t say idjit any more since I saw Bobby use it on Supernatural? Used to only say that. haha)
I have NEVER tried it since, partly because of “that guy” making me promise, and partly because now? NOW I know it only hurts those left behind. Sure, I’ve been close a few times since, but I think of that pain, listen to music and try to “escape” (shows like Arrow and Supernatural help, oddly. Plus yummy fantasies with the leading men. 😉 Sorry hun! Still fantasize about you too!)
I haven’t been that bad in many years. Sure, I have times I wish I could leave the world behind for awhile, but that’s just it. I KNOW I just need a vacation from life, not a permanent absence. That’s when I post here, or binge on shows *CoughSupernaturalCough*, listen to music like it won’t be there, and just hug my family and pets as much as I can.
It gets hard sometimes, but I refuse to be in that place, I refuse to allow myself to be an angsty teen (JUST my OWN feelings on myself, not others. It helps me deal). 99% of the time, talk and shows and stuff does NOT even make me think about it. Not sure why this episode did?
I still have the faintest little scar on my wrist. Didn’t even realize it had faded so much until now. Even the Love is barely visible, I have to look super hard. And certainly not when my hands are so dry they look like crocodile skin!
I think back to that day, I never ever thought the feelings and thoughts would fade. Ever.
But, as the scars remind me, it can fade, just never truly disappears. A thought can bring it back.
And like a scar that fades, this momentary cloud will also fade. I just need to be calm and fight it off. Re-reading my poem is helping. And music, lots and LOTS of music.
Wish I had the nerve to thank Jensen for his BEAUTIFUL singing of Seven Bridges Road and Sister Christian. The last few weeks that has been my biggest FIRST go to in any low mood. Life saver. *sigh*