No clue what’s going on with me today. But it’s definitely a rough one.
As I said in my last post, that episode of Supernatural seems to have really gotten to me. But the thing is? After that post I wasn’t bad, Sure, still a bit down but for the most part my past dissipated. But it sure has left a mood behind. I really feel like I am forcing myself to be ok. I hate it. I don’t WANT to smile, I don’t want to be ok.
All 3 of us (hubby, kid, and myself) all have some issue or another. We all have some form of depression. For me, usually it is SAD so mostly just winter months. When my thyroid crapped out, it became a bit more regular. But I dealt with it. Kiddo, well, the life he/we have had dealing with the step from hell? Yeah, he can have his moments as well. Add to that his NLD and high IQ … sometimes it’s hard to tell when or what is going on. It’s like walking on egg shells. And hubby, I try not to post too much, at least not without his permission. But, I can tell he is having a really really hard time right now. He is sleeping way too much, and just looks like he might break down any second.
What is hard, is I tend to “pick up” other peoples emotions (believe it or not) as if they were my own. So I am never 100% sure if the emotions I am feeling are my own, or belong to someone else. Add to this wonderful mix the fact I have my period (oh shut it, it’s life. Nothing to be so squeamish about!), so that adds to the fucking mess that is my life today.
I want to be the fixer, make things right. It’s a need, an obsession almost. And with hubby being a solitary sufferer, I have no clue what is going on. I am TRYING to respect that he doesn’t want to talk (he says he doesn’t know what to say, etc). But dammit! I feel left out. I hate thinking he is going through this alone. He is NOT alone. I just want to fix it. Or at least be there.
Being the rock, I don’t know. Today I am having one hell of a time shouldering this all. Not sharing my feelings because it just adds to his, makes him feel worse. I have no one (but my blog) to open up to. And I KNOW he reads these posts, but what else can I do?
I do NOT post here to be a passive aggressive bitch, I do it because I hope he WON’T read it, and it allows me to vent without burdening him any more. I suppose I could tell him NOT to read this post (or any post), but how is that right? I know if someone told me “oh, I posted, but I don’t want you to read it, but you can see it” Chances are I would either A.) read it and still get upset, or B.) not read it and get stressed it was horrible things about me. So, why say anything? Just let the chips fall where they want.
Today is bad. I don’t know whether to scream, cry, or what. Part of me wants to kill something, another part of me just wants to crawl under a rock and hide. THIS is when it is hard to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I know this will pass, but when it involves others emotions, I don’t know when, and I don’t know how. I just want it to end. I want to feel normal again. (well, as normal as I can)
I don’t know if I am strong for still standing, or if I am just a fool. WHY is fighting on so damned hard and confusing?
I want to scream at the world “FUCK OFF! LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!” but I also want someone to just pick me up and carry me the rest of the way.
I don’t want to fight any more.