I, am a colossal douche nugget!

Last post for a while. Promise.

I was sitting here, feeling sorry for myself, when I thought about my brother. Then I just felt like an asshat!

See, if ANY ONE has a right to be depressed, or crappy about life, it would be my brother. He has sever chronic pancreatitis. For close to 18 years now, he has had to deal with a constant pain in his side. 95 – 99% of the time it is so sever he can not stand, walk, or even talk. every 3 months or so he has to go in for a stint replacement in his bile duct (to keep him alive), he is on enough pain-killer to kill 5 horses and then some, he is a shut in and pretty much only sees and talks to mom, he can not hold a job, he is on a pittance of disability.

ANY YET, he still goes for visits to his friend’s house occasionally, he STILL makes plans for the future, has his own trailer, smiles and thinks of others. He still loves life. Oh, sure he gets angry about things occasionally, but he loves life. He plans for the future (pipe dreams or not).

I feel like a royal ass right now. No CLUE how he does it.

Oh, sure, he has admitted to me that if he were to die it would be easier for Mom (mom is at his place 3 – 4 times a day, even the middle of the night), but he never ever talks about suicide, never talks about “making the pain go away”, he thinks about Mom, he thinks about if his body kills him, but he still smiles, he still moves on.

HE is my hero!

Think I need to give him a call.

I love my brother!!

And I am a douche nugget.

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