I’m warning you, stop reading right now. No, I’m serious. I have gone past all other emotions and am deep in to the feeling sorry and whining stage. If you don’t back away slowly and leave chocolate? You might want to slap me. While it may make YOU feel better? I won’t like it.
You’ve been warned.
Not sure what the fuck my issue is. Seriously. So many things are against me right now. The weather, the time of month (as in we have a week before either of us get paid, so we are down to KD, bread, and soup), and, THAT time of month. All awesome combinations. Add to that the regular depression shit, hubby’s mood, the kid being a typical grumpy teen, and it’s a wonder I have any sanity left.
I have given up on trying to find/see the good things and have gone straight to the pity party and wallowing in my sorrow. Sadly, when I get to this stage is when the paranoia sets in too. (I know better, but it hurts) This time it is the whole “Am I invisible?” type stuff. For example, when I post, talk, or wave/smile at someone, and no one seems to see me/read/respond/whatever. I start wonder what I’ve done wrong, or if I even matter.
Look, I know better, I do. But hey, it’s where I am, I know it, I just need time to “get over it”. (FUCK I hate those words. But it’s fact.)
Thing is, if I had any friends (besides the husband), chances are no one would even know about this. At least none of you. I’d be bitching to them, or not even being having this problem. You know, I HAVE had friends before, it’s not like I am a weird loner person (well, I am …). I WANT friend(s) now, I just couldn’t be bothered.
The friend(s) I have had in the past have all been … well, not friends. It was all one-sided. I can’t help it. I give and give, and NOT as a way to “buy friendship”. It’s just what I do. I do it for my family, I do it for people I don’t know, so it makes sense I’d do it for friends. But, I also tend to attract friends that and extroverts, and it sucks me dry. Not just financially, or time, but energy. And they tend to be people who think more about themselves than others. It’s whats good for them in the moment. *shrugs*
Really, I just don’t have the energy to go out, find a hobby or public event type shit where I could even make a friend. PLUS, with having been burnt so many times, not even sure I could make a proper decent friend. I’d be on the defense most of the time. That’s not a way to make friends.
So, luck you, you get to be my confidants. Happy yet? I wouldn’t mind more feed back from ya’ll, but trust me, I get the silence. Hell, I’d be silent if I knew how. ha!
You know, it all boils down to energy for me. it is the be all end all for me in anything I do. Before my thyroid tried to kill me, I had issues, but I always bounced back so easily. Maybe it’s not even the thyroid, maybe it’s just age, or who knows, something I am not even thinking of? All I know, is when I have energy, I am great, top of the world. I EVEN do house work and stuff. And that whole “You need to spend energy to get energy” (Ie: exercise) is BULLSHIT! I tried that. Damned near slept 3 days straight every time.
They say money can’t buy happiness, and maybe that’s true? But I’d sure like to find out. Pretty fucking sure it would get rid of 90% of our stress, which could snowball towards happiness. I have NO CLUE how people who have even less do it, and STILL have happiness. Just no clue. I have tried. Power to them, but it’s not me.
You know, I should invent a social media service where a few times a day a person who subscribes gets a quote or “personal” response that can push them through.
So, if you have difficulty getting through the day, or feel alone, or whatever, you’d get a tweet, or a Facebook like, or message saying things like, “Someone is thinking of you”, a heart or smile, or “Take it one breath at a time”, “You are not alone”.
Might not work, or it might. *shrugs* Hell, could even prerecorded voice for a more human touch. I don’t know. I do know, some days all it would take to lift me is someone ANYONE to just send me a smile, or “thinking of you” with OUT me having said anything first.
It’s the little things, ya know?
Guess what? You, the one that ACTUALLY read this (and even those who didn’t?), and the ones who so badly want to correct my grammar or spelling? I am thinking of you! Some of you I think of every day, some I even smile for.
I’ll make you a deal, if you are, or ever do, have a bad day? I’m here. We can do it together. I’ll fight through my day if you fight through yours. We can come out the other side, proud, stronger, and say “We made it, bitches!”