TMI – No one told me there wouldn’t be sex.

You may wish to stop reading now, I have no control over my brain at the moment, and I am likely to spew random disgusting facts about my life on to this blog.

Still here? Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Oh, also? I can not guarantee that this post will follow any logical progression of thought. It may not even be in chronological order, or any order.

Still here? Fuck you are a glutton for punishment. All right then, here’s my brain dump of the day …

Hmm, now I stare at the page with thoughts jumbled, wondering where to begin. And before you say the beginning, I have no clue where that is any more. Maybe if I just start with “This is about my sex life” it will start the thoughts going?

See, Hubby and I use to have quite the active and wonderful sex life, but, the last few years have been so rocky for the two of us (health wise. The marriage is still awesome), it has dwindled to not much of anything. The up side, we do have a strong relationship, so the sex isn’t really a major thing. Just, well, I have no clue what it is.

I guess the beginning would have been many years ago, when work started to stress hubby. But it was still a fair amount, and still amazing. It ceased to be much of anything when my thyroid crapped out.

You know, honestly, I am not even sure why I am posting this at all. Maybe for advice, maybe to vent, whatever the reason, like all my posts, my brain is screaming at me to post it, so here I am. Usually I don’t mind, health stuff is one thing, but I seldom go into detail about the deeper personal side of my life. I may post/speak what I think to the point of embarrassment, but I really am uncomfortable with the finer details of my life being “out there”. So no clue why my brain will NOT shut up on this.

which might be why I am finding it difficult to formulate a thought to post, hell, I can even seem to even ramble my usual way through this. I suppose, maybe it is bothering more than I realized?

Look, I am ok with not having sex. We have closeness in other ways, usually.

Maybe it’s age, maybe it’s health, but I do know depression is a big kick in the face to the sex life. Oh sure, you hear/read smatterings about lowered sex drive, but it doesn’t seem like a big deal.

It took me almost TWO god damned years to stabilize from my health problems. And during that time, I made damned sure that I did not neglect my husband (I always lent a hand, if ya know what I mean. 😉 ). No, I seldom had energy or want for much more than giving hubby a quick hand job and being done with it. He was VERY patient with me, and honestly? I truly think he was ok with it. NOT ok in that he didn’t want sex, ok with it in a way that no matter what he will love me and be cool with my choices in our marriage.

I lucked out with this man.

Thing is, No, when the problem is depression (for both of us) we never seem to be on the same wave length. Either I am “too tired” or sad, or just not in the mood for breathing let alone sex, or he is that way. It wouldn’t be so bad if we both were in the same place at the same time. But neither of us seems to be in the mood when the other is.

But you know what is bothering me more? If I were a guy, I’d probably need a little blue pill. My mind (and mostly my body) wants to, I just don’t seem able to get in the mood. Seems like to much of an effort. Honestly? I think I am turning into so nasty tease! Sometimes during the day, the mood will strike, usually at the worst possible time, and both hubby and I will tease each other. BUT, by the time bedtime rolls around, mood or not, I just … ugh, I drop out of the mood like a rock in water. Either my mood crashes, or out of no where I can barely keep my eyes open, or worse, sex seems like too much effort so I fake one of the above.

Oh, sure, hubby’s depression might be playing a small part in frequency, but he sure seems able AND willing most times.

So what the hell is wrong with me? The only time I seem able to “be in the mood” and even follow through, is when we can’t.

I want sex, oh I do. But when it comes right down to it? It’s almost like I am scared. Don’t think that’s it, though right now, who the hell knows.

Is anxiety contagious? Maybe that’s what my anxiety filled dreams are about? I have more dreams with panic attacks (usually over very mundane things like making supper) than I do anything else. Also loads of dreams about death or just plain old weird shit, like that spa thing.

Maybe I am the one who needs a therapist? (probably, but who has the money?)

I don’t know. Maybe it’s the depression, or maybe it’s just been so long it freaks me out? Whatever the problem is, I am so damned tired of it. I want my 20’s back! No real health issues, no mental problems, just energy and fun.

Responsibility kills!

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