Lately my sleeping has been sporadic, to say the least. I have been in a state where I am aware of my surroundings, hear every snore the husband makes, ever move, every noise and bump. While this does not lend itself to a restful nights sleep, it does make for some interesting controllable dreaming. Well, partially controllable.
I do tend to fall in to a deeper dreamless state later in the sleep cycle, from what I can tell, I spend about 2 – 3 hours in this trapped, unmoving dream place. It’s ok, but like I said, not great for proper sleep.
I have been obsessed (not in a crazy way) with Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki from Supernatural in these dreams. Usually just hanging out (hubby and kid too). I think a huge part of that is just because I can relate to the whole “gotta keep it together” aspect of his character on Supernatural? That’s my working theory anyway.
So last night, I was having another pain filled, brain working overtime to destroy any happiness, type night, so I popped a sleeping pill and listened to music. Actually woke up with the headphones still on.
I had a real, uncontrollable dream. And for once, no one famous was in it. Actually, I think it was just me and the hubby for most of it?
See in this dream (And holy fuck it felt so real. SCARY real!) it was finally Thursday and I was at the doctors. I was telling him all about my arm, neck, back, and shoulder. He did some movement tests and stuff, and said that he thought it most likely WAS the Ulnar nerve as I suspected, and it was causing pain to my carpal tunnel etc, a snowball effect.
BUT, before he suggested any therapy or surgery, he wanted a FULL MRI on me, that way he could check out my thyroid and cyst thingy in my uterus. Make sure they were still all good. “Kill more than one bird with one stone for you.”
Here is where I should have clicked in it was a dream. Since WHEN does it take less than a week to get in for an MRI scan? or ANY secondary testing for that matter. But, I did. Less than a week later I was in for the scan.
Here’s where it gets scary. The next day he phones, not the secretary, but the doctor, and tells me to come in right this second. Yeah.
Now, let me fill you in on a secret. I do NOT EVER say I am scared. Oh, ok, sure I say I am scared of spiders, but that’s different. Real life situations? Nope, I do NOT GET SCARED. I might get thoughtful, even extra “plan ahead” going on, but NEVER EVER SCARED. I do not DO scared. It’s not in me. So, when I say I am scared? You know it’s bad (for me).
In the dream I was more or less together on the outside (still get a skipped heart beat thinking about the dream), but inside I was screaming and freaking right the fuck out. I was worried about hubby and how he’d react (That whole “protect everyone but yourself” thing I do), I was worried about if I had time for a shower … Basically? I was trying to worry about everything but what the call meant.
At some point I turned and told hubby “I know you are going through shit right now, and I Get that, I really really do. I want to protect you from this, but right now, this second, I need YOU to be the strong one, I need someone to be MY rock. Because I am scared shitless right now!” In the dream (and I know he would in real life to!) he stepped up and was AMAZING.
Jump to the appointment. Doc told me they found a tumor on the step of my brain (hence the pressure I feel there ALL the time), my thyroid needed to be removed, as did my uterus. PLUS, the Ulnar nerve was kinked or pinched or some such thing. It was barely mentioned.
I remember thinking at that point that it HAD to be a dream. HAD TO BE. I may have crappy luck, but stuff like this doesn’t happen. I remember it took me months before I talked about it online, and when I did? No one said a word. I was invisible girl again.
(yes, this all has a point, You know what they say about dreams)
I decided to go straight for the surgery risks and all, and screw the chemo. No clue why? While dream took me as far as having my head shaved (NOT a good look on me!) and the top of my head cut off, I do not remember another thing. I don’t remember waking up (in real life), I don’t remember any other dreams, nothing. It just ended there.
I know that it is said dreams are our minds way of working out shit that is going on in our lives. And I get that. But come on! Giving myself a tumor? What the hell?
But, to be serious, my take on this,
1.) I am stressed – over helping hubby and not really sure how to (I am a fixer. NEED to fix it all). Stressed over what he can and can’t handle, and what to say about anything. Stressed about not being about to do as much as I would like around the house (my own health). And a host of other minor stresses.
2.) I am apparently more worried about my arm than I realized. Which explains why it took over 2 months to make an appointment.
3.) all these morbid dreams and obsession with death — not sure? I know I have slipped in to mild depression a few times, but I don’t think I want to die? Attention maybe? I DO want to have a vacation from life for like a week or so. But wouldn’t reverting to teenage or childhood be better for that? Why death? HONESTLY I am not even thinking about it … I think? I am sure?
4.) I just can’t quite figure it all out. But pretty sure it also means I want more support? Or help? (though I need to start dreaming up maids and stuff!)
So, yeah. Apparently my brain is a bit worried? Wish it had told me in some other way than KILLING ME OFF! Fucked up brain. Geez.
Just an FYI? In my REAL life, as I type this? I AM NOT SCARED not even really worried. JUST want answers and I want it fixed. Just tired of the whole thing.
(I will admit, last night/this morning, I was in a bad mood/place regarding life, but NOT in a way I would EVER harm myself! NEVER!)