Brain dump. Proceed with caution.

—Was going to rethink posting this, even tried to record myself instead, but, my brain is giving out, and I need to go back to Netflix to shut off my brain. So here, in all it’s ramblings is my post as is. Unedited—

 

 

Think I know why my mood has been fluctuating so damned much. If the highs were any higher, and lows any lower, I’d swear I was manic. But, thankfully they have just been the average ups and down I get, just more often – as in everyday is different – and more annoying than usual.

Usually I can ride out the lows, knowing that it will get better. They seldom get so bad …. well, they just don’t get that bad. Bad enough that doc is sure I have a depression problem, just mild enough it seems to be seasonal (weather too). And the highs are just normal highs.

I know if you read about depression, and many with depression, will tell you, feeling low or sad is not depression*. It’s the lack of feeling that is depression. And, yeah, maybe for clinical depression that is true? I don’t know. But what I DO know, is having been diagnosed with S.A.D. (finally having a reason is relief), and having talked with my husbands psychologist? Yeah, I DO have depression. It’s not clinical***, and it’s not to the point where we** I feel nothing, but it is there, and it can be just as damaging at times. Doesn’t mean we aren’t suffering.

(Sort of a touch subject for me. On the one hand, normal folks think I’m nuts. But on the other hand, I apparently am not allowed to have mental health issues “Because my symptoms aren’t right”.)

See, it just means we have to be more vigilant when our lows hit. We supposedly have to put in more effort? I don’t know what that means. To mean it would need more work if you’ve already hit bottom? The only thing I can think of, is because we still “feel” it is SEEMINGLY more work? It feels like an effort? While if you are already so low as to feel nothing you are already on the up swing? Fuck if I know.

Right now, I am at the point where I KNOW that it’s coming, I don’t know when, where, or what will set it off, but I just feel like. I don’t even know what I feel like.

I will try to explain, for me, this emotional storm just before it hits … It’s the worst part. I know it’s coming but I can’t prepare myself. I try, oh hell I try! I do all the things I know might make me feel better, things that help when I am low. But, sometimes, like tonight, it can actually end up making it worse.

It’s odd, I am pretty sure this is where my obsession with Supernatural and the actors come into play? When I am in this state, I can relate to every last emotional scene, feel it like I am living it. BUT, unlike me, they seem to deal and pull out of it every last time. It gives me that hope I need. Words are great and all, hell even support, when you can find it, is fine. But seeing it works best for me. Music helps too, just not the same as visual.

From day one of seeing this Supernatural, even though I am the “baby” of the family, I have related to the character Dean like he is an extension of me. Oddly, my husband, being the eldest, relates much more to Sam? For me, I am pretty sure it stems from my brother always being so carefree, babied, and never taken seriously (And in trouble). All hopes and responsibility was put on me. Never did go that route, so needless to say, I hear quite often what a disappointment it is I didn’t make something of myself. (I’m use to that)

Anyway, I hadn’t planned on this being a long-winded post, but here you have it, I feel I am only half way at this point. This is another thing I find helpful. Blogging. I don’t expect people to comment, or even read it. Though it is a nice when they do. Makes me feel less invisible. But it’s not the important part of the process. What helps, is getting out the thoughts from my head. Spilling them to anyone, or even no one, is very cathartic for me. Instead of taking up space in my brain and nagging me, eating away at what is left of my sanity, I can leave it here. Oh, sometimes it doesn’t help, usually when I am censoring myself, or trying to make it a “good, readable” post.

But when I do as I am now, just dumping it out, not even checking spelling or grammar while I go (I save that for when I am done) THIS is when I find it does that most good. When I can close the browser and leave it behind. Even go back and read it if I am still bothered by it. But leave it here.

Whatever. “Not depression” or depression. Whatever the fuck you want to call what I have? It is seriously messing me up lately. The more I try to fight it, the more I run from it, or even “turn into the skid” with it, I am getting tired. I just feel old and worn out. I can’t even tell any more what feelings are coming from the “what I have” and what is coming from just being the rock in the family.

More and more lately, I just don’t know what to do, or how to fight this. It’s all blending together, getting more confusing. Hard to fight something you can’t figure out. For years now, I have had a handle on my self-image, a handle on Where I am in my life (non-professional/uneducated). I was fine with that. It was just random “mood swings” or whatever and I could fight it off, knowing it would usually end in Spring. And if it DID flare up other times? I knew I could wait it out and use Music and books as my weapons.

Then my thyroid crashed. It was a rule changer, and I am lost. No one gave me the new rules. I thought once my levels were under control I’d know. But it hasn’t happened.

Whatever. Call whatever I have whatever you want. Call me normal, or insane. I don’t give a rats ass. I know somethings wrong, and that’s all that matters right now. I just need to vent, and this is it.

For now, music and Supernatural still help. And when it’s combined (Jensen’s singing … HELLO!) it’s even better. 😉

I don’t know. I am just in the weird place before the low, where my mind starts whispering things. I’m trying to ignore it. I really am. But, damn, re-reading this … It’s not wrong about so much. I really am very weird.

Think I will leave this open for awhile, see if I need to edit it. Starting to think I am a whack job. *shakes head* At least I have my blog …

 

So, yeah, only removed one paragraph. (Do not ask. ) Couldn’t be bothered with editing and shit, so it is what it is now.

I’ll say it again, as I have many times, I envy people who have friends. I just don’t get how it’s done? I can only handle one or two at a time, and I usually end up giving all of myself to it. ie: the chicky poo who used me as a shield when her marriage broke up (stayed with her for almost 2 weeks, at the expense of my own family), only to forget all about me when she moved only 40 minutes away. EVERY time we made plans she’d cancel. Problem is, she forgot I was on Facebook more than her … so when folks would post about the wonderful day they had, she wasn’t able to delete them fast enough.

Honestly? Yeah, I’m still pissed. But not at her, at myself. I knew what kind of person she could be. I’d seen it with others. I still let it happen. STILL gave and gave and gave of myself with her. So, yeah. It’s like putting your cut up arm in shark infested waters and expecting them to just swim away. NOT gonna happen. People are who they are.

And I am who I am. I don’t like people, I don’t like going out of my house, so why would I expect to have friends? THAT is something I need to figure out. Maybe even work on that some day. At least we know my son comes by his social issues naturally? Who knows. Maybe I had/have NLD like he does? But back then pftt I was just a lazy kid with a tendency to fight not get along with others *cough sticking up for myself cough*

So, I’ll end this post now. I have to get back to Supernatural. And maybe some music. One day I hope my brain functions well enough to read a book. I miss reading more than I miss breathing during an asthma attack! OH! Hey! *cross fingers* My breathing has been steadily improving lately. Even with some of my worst allergens in the air. *Knock on wood* No clue why, but it’s like my lungs are working out or something. They sure know how to fight better than my brain. ha!

 

 

 

*Lately it seems like I can’t turn around with out hearing, reading, or seeing someone talk about how people who still feel things are not depression. How feeling sad all the time is NOT depression. Hell I have even seen a few times how “People like that just want attention and are taking away any headway we have made in getting mental health destigmatized”. Yeah like THAT helps. Way to make “people like us” feel like we have no place. Too fucked up for the real world, yet NOT fucked up enough to ACTUAL need help? yeah. Thanks. Fuck you very much.

 

** Though hubby has said nothing, I think he does get to the point of not feeling? But since he won’t open up, I can’t be sure?

 

*** Clinical in the sense of whatever the hell that means? I DO get that low sometimes as to feel nothing, just blah, whatever. But that is less often than my “Not depression” depression.

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