I’m a cold hearted bitch.

Please read this knowing that I have taken a sleeping pill for the first time in many weeks. So, I am not full responsible for what spews from my brain. Except we can all agree I am a bitch. I’m cool with that part.

Typos be damned, I can really see the spell checkers suggestions very well. Might be some errors.

 

I have always, even as a child, had the view that death is death, not much you can do about it. Oh sure, early deaths or tragic deaths were always harder, and I got that.

Maybe because I have never lost anyone but my grandma, I don’t understand fully? I can remember staying with my babysitter (they were friends too) and her family while my parents came west for the funeral or whatever. I was 12? Maybe older?

I can remember my heart breaking, I can remember the pain, but I also remember the next day sort of having this realization that she had been really ill and in pain, so it was probably best. And really, I was smart enough to realize I was crying more about the fact I wasn’t allowed to go on the trip. After all, I had only seen her maybe once every 5 years?

As I have gotten older, and more than likely at my half way point in life, my views really haven’t changed much. I get a bit weepy over famous people that are gone tragically that I know have made the world a better place. But again, in my personally life, I have never lost anyone.

When hubby’s father died, I did cry some until the kid was home and safe. Once he was home with us, I was the rock, there for my husband and family. After all, I wasn’t overly fond of the man. (Or any of his family really *deletes a novel of swearing and nasty descriptors of his family*)

Thing is, I am not sure who I would cry over? Or why? (death has been a prominent part of my dreams lately, usually mine, perhaps this is where I am going with this?)

My brother, well, at this point the poor guy has no real life and I have NO CLUE how he fights on every day. I REALLY admire him for that. While I would be sad he was gone, and moarn the loss of what SHOULD have been for him, I’d be glad he was no longer suffering. My parents, well, they are older, but pretty sure they have some years left, and yeah, I’d be sad, but they lived a full, not not the happiest of lives.

My husband I would be lost without, but I have a son to also be there for, not sure how I would handle it? As for my son? Chances are, considering his age, I would go into a rage more than be sad. You could bet if someone was at fault, I would more than likely end up in jail (same goes for anyone I care about).

I suppose you wonder where I am going with this. Don’t worry, it will be a surprise for us all if I ever get to an end?

See, my husband has now been told his mother’s health is failing again. Or still? Or something. Now, I am TRYING so damned hard to at least have a show of caring for my husbands sake. But this is the women who accused me of being an abuser, and when found out I wasn’t, never once said sorry. That whole family …. well, yes, rage aside. I am finding it very difficult to be supportive. I think he knows it, and is hanging on to his emotions. Which is the LAST thing he needs. He was just making headway. Hence the title of this post.

I do NOT know how to fake sorrow/concern for people who IMO do not deserve it.

And really, good chance she will live another 100 years, if my luck has anything to do with it. Plus, tell her what ails you, hey, look she has had that for YEARS, just didn’t want to worry any one. My thyroid crapped out? Her numbers were higher when she was diagnosed, so she knows how I feel, and “oh did you feel *Something even worse*” In other words, I find it difficult to find truth or sympathy for the woman.

Now, Let’s say she is seriously ill. All the above still applies. I love my husband with every cell of my body, and I will try my damnedest to comfort him. But I want to scream out so loud “It’s for the best”. See, if she IS as ill as she has mentioned, then well, it may not be long? And if that is the case, the suffering she is going through can’t be fun ….

I don’t know. I KNOW I should care, I know I should feel sadness, I can feel it for shows and commercials, why not people? Hell, I KNOW no one will care about me. Look, don’t say anything. I am not talking my family, I mean outside of the family. I will be the one getting the “oh. That’s too bad. How are you?”

It’s not depression talk, honestly. it’s just the plain facts. I have no friends to speak of. The few I call friends I have never actual met in person, and I seldom have a conversation with anyone, in person or online. I prefer it that way. I am ok with that. Like I told hubby, I don’t care who mourns me, or how many. Just makes sure there are no tears, lots of beer and some damned rocking music. If you must do something, then remember my better times. When I didn’t have health problems or depression.

90% of my dreams lately are of me having some sort of cancer and being alone in Vancouver for some specialist. The time varies per dream, and where I have cancer or injury or whatever. But usually alone. Which is realist when you think about it. hell, can’t afford me to go let alone the family. PLUS someone has to stay and keep managing the park.

Sometimes I wonder if I am jaded or just to much of a realist?

I mean the nice thing is, these dreams are nightmares. I seldom die, usually end up cured, but make new friends, or at least do cool things. Most of the time I get to watch parts of Supernatural being filmed. Which if I was dying? Would be a wish. Oh, and the other bonus, my social anxiety is usually gone “Because I am dying, who the fuck cares what people thing or do?” It’d be freeing I think?

Now if you actually read any of this? No, I am NOT thinking of killing myself. I will say this a billion times if I must. I will NEVER do that. That is a promise that is as old, if not older than my marriage, and never going to happen. I keep my promises.

I won’t lie and say I don’t wonder sometimes, but it just the whole “what would be different, better or worse”. I don’t have the right answer to that, as I don’t think there is one. But, in most cases it is never a good ending. Plus, with those, it’s not some illness, or other persons fault.

Anyway, This rambling post, is done for now. Hoping that by posting this (last one I made private, awhile back, and it did not good. So, I am hoping that allowing folks into this aspect of my brain will finally get it out of my brain and back on to something better. Like sex maybe?

 

 

Though, truth be told? I am a tiny bit worried (I never worry) about what the hysterectomy might show up. But that’s months, maybe years away. If ever. So no big deal yet.

 

And no, I am NOT a bottled rocket with too much fuel under pressure. That was a stupid analogy anyway.

 

TL;DR

Basically I call myelf a bitch, and mention I am having death dreams, but look, don’t worry, I am NOT suicidal (I promise) this is JUST my way of venting, and hoping to get rid of the dreams.

I PROMISE, I will ALWAYS fight my depression, and even the anxiety. I may not FEEL like I am winning, but I am here.

No, I do not want attention, or hugs, but I will not turn them way.

Hell, I just want a full night of dreamless sleep where the first 2 hours of trying to fall asleep are not ruined by my brain trying to tell me stories and random things that make no sense, just to be followed by fucked up dreams. Not too much to ask.

 

Because you think this is bad? You have NOT seen me bitchy.

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