As my posts and twitter have shown, I have been having a very “emo” time of it lately.
And the dreams/daydreams/whatever that have gone with that have been keeping me from a proper sleep. Which, of course, has added to the depression etc.
And rather than sit there and be all passive aggressive in my postings, I have decided to take matters into my own hands! (Look, I may be a technical adult? But I am FAR from grown-up, asking for help is NOT in my nature. Give me time)
Music has been helpful, and so has my blog, but yet the dreams still continue. So, I decided, why not write them down. Which, I VERY quickly decided against for several reasons. 1.) They are very boring, and honestly, If anyone one were to read them, I do not need folks thinking I am some idiot with hypochondria. (In my dreams it’s usually all out near death bed thing. pftt 2.) I will NOT spice those up — because honestly, I do NOT do fan-fic shit. Nope, no way. (Again, what if someone read it?) 3.) well … what if someone read it?
Instead, while keeping in my head someone MIGHT read it, I decided to go full-out original. Or I think it is?
To be honest? I am no writer, and I doubt this will go any further than the 3 pages I wrote tonight. LOL I have a very short attention span folks.
But, I do have a story summary (sort of?) and those 3 pages. Truthfully? It felt FANTASTIC to write. It flowed out of my head no problem.
Thing is, after those 3 pages, my (self diagnosed) OCD kicked in and refused to let me write any more without correcting the errors and editing the content. THIS is why I have given up in the past. I had at least another page in my head at the time, but once I finished editing and stuff … it was gone, and I can’t get it back.
I would LOVE to actually see this through, even if I only write when I am in a mood, or whatever, but if I can’t ignore the corrections until a natural stop of the words in my head (That doesn’t sound creepy at all?!), then I fear I will give up on this again.
But, look, even if I have a billion, 3 page stories, saved, if it works to get me out of this dark pit, then maybe it’s worth a go?
It’s like fighting for the lightness, but without feeling like a fight. And trust me, I am so fucking sick of “fighting”. I want it to be easy for once. Just ONCE I want to say “Oh, I am headed towards the hole? Pftt, let me just change directions. *snap fingers* boom, see? All great”.
Right now when I see that hole looming in front of me … It is scary. I have to dig in my heels, put on the brakes, drop an anchor, grab on to something/someone, make sure I have rope JUST in case I don’t stop before the edge, start screaming, and usually end up hanging by my nails on the edge of a clay dirt pit. We all know the properties of clay right? Tough to dig, but when wet, very slippery? And believe me when I say, once you(I) start towards that edge, It will almost ALWAYS rain.
But, *crossing fingers* if this “writing” thing works for me? I will GLADLY keep fighting without the anger and resentment. (Sorry people who don’t need to fight, I admit, I resent the hell out of you when I am in this spot!)
See, I am hoping that someone, anyone, will volunteer to be a reader (Umm No offense, but preferable someone I have known awhile), that MIGHT keep me on it. Plus suggestions can help get the creative brain in gear if it stalls?
So … how ’bout it? Someone?
JESUS fucking CHRIST my son is a genius … So simple, but so brilliant. *blush*
“Why don’t you just turn off the checker?”