Biting the bullet

I nonchalantly mentioned to my Mom about how the adoption records are now open and I can get my medical history, and slipped in the fact that IF Bio-Mom has not written in to veto disclosure, I might get ALL information, not just medical.

I am not sure what I thought her response would be, but I wasn’t expecting her to get excited and tell me “That would be fun, to meet her!”

WHOA WHOA Mom! Slow your roll a bit. I NEVER said I wanted to meet her. I did say that I just wanted the medical history. I also mentioned that IF (HUGE if) I got more information that I was sort of scared, BECAUSE curiosity might force me to Google/search/’whatever the information. And I am just not sure I am ready for that. (I have no will power on something. 😀 I know, my own fault, but *shrugs*)

Oh, I may be a technical adult, I am in my mid forties after all, but I am mentally still a child when it comes to new things with people, and in my teens when it comes to dealing with anyone over 30!

I am NOT a socially graceful person. I am a bumbling awkward idiot.

That said, I am going to bite the bullet and send off the information. Even though the strange, almost nightmarish dreams I had last night say otherwise.

I NEED my medical history, and that is the only real driving force here. Hell, my son has offered to open it and black out any names etc if it becomes over whelming for me.


Look, I have stated over and over that I do NOT get anxiety or nervous before something, usually. And maybe it is my age at this point, I don’t know. But this ACTUALLY has me freaked out.

I keep telling myself that chances are anything that could point me to Bio parents is probably not going to be part of the information I get. There is a VERY strong chance of that. But, my brain is telling me otherwise.

I had dreams so bizarre … From bio-parents being famous to them being mass murders and wanting me to take over the business. (Oh that was freaky!) I even had one where it turned out hubby and I were siblings. I threw up in my dream for that one!

That old saying “Be careful what you wish for” is so true! I asked to be able to understand hubby’s anxiety … I TAKE IT BACK! I DON”T WANNA KNOW!

This will be a very longe time. After all, who knows HOW long it will take to even get the information. I haven’t even sent it and my brain is attacking. What the hell?

May have to burn the form and say fuck it. Because I am not so sure I can take this.

For now, I will sign it, put it in an envelope, and just leave it sit by the door for while. If things calm down, I’ll send it. If it gets worse, like how I want to throw up right now, then I will shred it.

For now, I will try my damnedest to fight through this, after all, it has only been one day since I made the choice. I can kick this anxiety in the ass, and do this.


Or not?

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