Figured it out …?

At least I THINK I have figured it out. Why my brain is trying to kill me with lack of sleep, nightmares, etc regarding my adoption records.

I THINK I am worried that bio-mom has never once thought about me. Now, this strikes me as very odd since I have never cared one bit about finding her. Hardly ever a thought. So why the HELL do I now care if she has ever thought about me? Ahh, let me play therapist a second here, I am pretty sure it has to do with my self-esteem. See, while I THOUGHT I was getting much better (going in public with sleeveless shorts, makeup, and caring about my hair etc), I must not be. Or there is something else going on in my brain I have yet to figure out. Working on that.

See, if it is a self-esteem thing, it’d make sense. I want her to have wanted/think about me because that means I matter. YET, it doesn’t make sense as a self-esteem thing, because I never actually care until I sent of the papers.

hmm I might be off on that theory. Never mind.

My other theory is, that my fear of having the information will be too much temptation and I’ll look it up? But that doesn’t make sense either …

Dammit, I just want to know why the hell my brain is trying to kill me off (literally, in the one dream). Thought I had it there for a bit, but as I typed it, it began to make less sense, and now I am back to square one.

Guys, I know you are all sick of me whining, I’m sure, but this is truly messing with my head in ways I have never imagined. Like, I’m seriously beginning to wonder about my sanity here (ok, not literally, I am not going crazy … yet). I means how the hell can finding out some information screw a person up so badly? More than likely it’s the wait that’s killing me.

I am VERY open to any theories on why this is destroying me. For real, give me ANY theory. I need a life boat now, I am sinking fast and it really is weighing my heart down something fierce.

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