Stupid health stuff

I seriously need an intervention. I have a VERY bad habit of researching my health problems late at night when I am tired, feeling low emotionally, and/or when avoiding sleep (yeah, still getting nightmares).

Tonight’s problem seems to be leading me down a very dark path. I researched my thyroid in conjunction with fibroids and menstrual issues. Apparently it all equals up to certain death and destruction of the universe. Ok, maybe that’s over reaching just a tiny touch. But it does lead me to wonder just how competent ANY doctor in this back woods town is. I should be grateful my doc even caught my thyroid issues when he did. I guess?

Apparently the numbers I had when diagnosed meant I was half a step away from a Myxedema coma. Would explain why I was forgetting the simplest things, like hubby’s name, and how to breathe during an asthma attack etc.

But now, now my numbers are stable (supposedly), yet I am getting more and more tired, but can’t sleep, the brain fog is seeping back in, and even though I “have no serious lumps in my neck” it continues to get larger, more sore, and I SWEAR I can feel the lumps getting bigger.

PLUS, as you might tell by recent actions/posts, my paranoia is also coming back. It’s why I took time off line, and it is just adding to depression.

Guys, I KNOW I whine a lot, (read previous posts about this is my blog and dumping ground) but seriously, I am JUST as sick of it as you are, more so I’d think. I really don’t think it is too much to ask to be healthy again. Fuck, I want to be able to go out of the house and ACTUALLY do things. I MISS doing things. Now, just grocery shopping exhausts me.

Of course, with hubby’s anxiety and depression, I have to be “all is fine”. Mmm it IS fine, I am fine. I just hate not being healthy.

Arm/tension, neck/lumps, thyroid/everything … where the hell does it stop? WHEN does it end?

I will state again for the millionth time, I am not, never will, contemplate suicide or self harm. BUT, it is why I avoid sleep like the plague. I can’t truly call them nightmares, life is great in my dreams, but I always end up dead, and happy.

Sometimes you just get sick of fighting, ya know? WHY do some people seemingly have it so much easier? Sure, they have bad days I’m sure. But constantly? This “being fine” shtick is getting old real fast, but it’s a hell of a lot better than the guilt of pushing hubby over the edge if I crack.

I need a lot more duct tape, I think the cracks are showing, maybe even multiplying.

Someone, anyone, tell me this will end, soon? I just want it to be over. I want the shoes to stop falling. I want some sunshine. Even online I can’t keep up the fake “Oh look I am happy” for long.

 

tl;dr

I’m whining, tired of the health issues, and now I will go back to the happy tweets, comments, and liking stuff.

Thanks for your patience while the system is being rebooted.

 

FML

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