No cracks showing here …

Nothing really to see here. I just need to vent.

*deletes 4 pages*

Everything is JUST fine. I am fine.

Two things I pride myself on, my strength in being the “rock” of the family, and my ability to not feel stress.

One thing I have and am shamefully proud of, is my stubbornness.

One thing I have recently learned/admitted to myself, I NEED to be in control at all times (mainly mentally). It’s why I will never do drugs, and seldom drink. I CONTROL ALL THE THINGS, DAMMIT! (Don’t GET me out of control, you won’t like me when I am not in control! 😉 )

These things do not add up to a stable mental health. They are impossible to maintain.(or so I am finding out)

I’m fine, everything is fine.

I am not going to not admit that I won’t admit to having a major case of stress* (to the point of physically harming me).

New health issue** isn’t helping me at the moment either. And the fact I am now on day 12 of my period after only 8 days from last one which was 7 days, is seriously putting a bad spin on life.

But all is fine, I’m fine, we’re all fine.

 

 

*Stress, I apparently have it, a full-blown “hold on to your seats folks” case of it, just happens to be in the form of physical problems, and the reason for my depression and anxiety ratcheting up its game.

 

** I told doc I had no clue about the kidney thing, and I didn’t. BUT after much thought last night, I realized the signs have been there for almost 2 years, maybe even longer. This past 6 – 8 month stretch has gotten worse for “odd things” that I had no CLUE what it could be from. I always chalked every symptom up to my thyroid OR my periods. Now I am not so sure.

 

BUT

Everything is fine, I AM FINE!

I will get through this, just like I get through it all, just like I lead everyone through. All is fine, Just fine. I will survive, it’s what I do. Alone. Always make it through. Always?

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