This is my blog, it is for me, and I will damned well whine if I want to!
I have no clue if my crappy assed depressed mood is health related, adoption-record-getting related, weather related, or something else I haven’t even thought of. What I DO know, is I am in one of the lowest places I have been in a long time. I have jumped past the don’t care stage in to the regret and self loathing stage.
I had dreams once, huge dreams. I NEVER felt comfortable with your standard job idea. I didn’t WANT to be a nurse like my Mom, oh she pushed. I didn’t want to be in any business style job or police work like my father, though he suggested. No, I wanted to be an actress or singer. I didn’t want to be famous, I like the idea of money, but it wasn’t the main reason. No, I wanted to be one of those things because I could be someone else, I could play dress up and BE someone else. I never believed I was good at it, even when my drama teacher and choir teachers said I was. I never went for the lead roles in acting, I liked hanging back and supporting. I didn’t want the solos in choir, though I did have a duet for Expo 88, not by choice really, because I had the full range needed “You are good, you just need confidence. You are getting the solo.” So, when I stammered, they added a second girl to give me the support.
Then came grade 12 and beyond. I failed several classes, a few I failed all on my own, and a few the teachers and I were oil and water (I’ll leave it at that). I never graduated, never really cared. My parents TRIED to get me to “apply myself” to some sort of education. It just wasn’t me. I was a dreamer. Then came drinking, and partying. And after that, marriage and a child (I don’t count step, go read past posts, you’ll get it).
Don’t get me wrong! I do not regret marriage and my son for a second! I would have this family even if I had a chance to do it over.
No one ever tells you just how hard life can be. They don’t tell you that being an adult sucks. NOTHING can prepare you for it. I think if they told you … well, it’d be nasty. I am pretty sure that’s why (some) people have kids, change what could have been, to try to live vicariously through their children. It’s a shitty reason, but I’ve seen it. Personally? I just wanted a kid, I wanted something to care for and love, and hopefully a by-product would be something better, but it wasn’t the why in my decision.
No, my regrets are many and varied. From the small to the large, from the mundane to the weird and fantastical. And lately, just being so unhealthy, from thyroid to kidney, from control to unknown, it has really hit me.
My little family, my husband, myself, and my son, we all seem to have our own issues and worlds we are trying to live, control, and carry through life. For the most part the bubbles are separated, but many days, most days, I feel as if my bubble includes theirs. Not only do I have to carry my own bubble, I have to do it while encompassing theirs, helping them carry theirs, all without sharing the burden of mine for fear of breaking theirs.
Lately it has become seemingly an impossible task.
Oh, sure, I am doing it, have always done it, and will continue to do it never giving up. But man, some days. Some days I become obsessed with how I can check out without actually dying. Really, I KNOW suicide is not any sort of answer. But some days? Shamefully, I must admit, I do wonder just what that would be like. I would never say I envy or condone those that do choose that path, but I do wonder. I wonder why, how, and what it must be like. I have both a fear of that out come, and a fascination, all at the same. I suppose it is because I hold so damn tightly to the fact, that will never be my path, yet, surely others have thought the same and still given in?
It scares me, it is my nightmares. WHAT could have been so horrible to take that path?
Lately my self-esteem and confidence has taken a HUGE hit. Sure, I am faking it more than usual. going “girly” and even wear sleeveless shirts and standing tall, shoulders back, taking it on the chin. All that bullshit. To the outside world, I am stronger than ever. On the inside I am in a corner, tears streaming down my face and sucking my thumb waiting for the pain to end.
I have given up on my home, honestly it is too much effort to have a clean house or clean clothes or dishes. I just don’t see the point, they just get dirty again. My teenaged son wouldn’t know how to pick up after himself if his life depended on it. I have ALWAYS tried to instill in him to pick up after himself, but, he is his mother’s child, and my mother put a curse on me “I hope you have a child JUST like you were as a child”. Thanks mom!!
To be fair, he is NOTHING like me when it comes to swearing, drinking, *coughsexcough*, and other moronic things. But personality? Laziness? Holding it all in, and never sharing? Yeah, he is my child.
But that leads to where I am now. I try, for a long time I try. I will pick up, do the dishes, sweep (not laundry, long story, but it’s an allergy thing), and the second I turn around, you can’t even tell I have tried.
It becomes a circle of added misery. I can’t stand the mess, but have no energy or drive to fix it, but the mess is depressing and guilt ridden, but when I do something, what’s the point? it is a merry-go-round ride that I can’t stand and have no clue how to solve.
My pile of troubles is a laundry list of things big and small. And I just do not have the will to try. I just stare at them all, and suffer in silence.
My only real hope is that one day, the biggest issue of all, the main stressor, the center of my world, will be solved. But the ONLY way I can see that issue being fixed, is by winning the lottery. See, money is the biggest monster in my story. It is the basic need in life for everything from food to entertainment. It is a need so great people are willing to die for it. Yet, it is a curse. to have none, or to have it all. Either way, it’s a curse.
Problem is, we are considered ok. The amount we have is supposed to be middle class. And yes, maybe if we didn’t have bills to pay, and if we didn’t want “extras” (like vacations, a life outside of the home, like entertainment) then we COULD be middle class. But those extras cost.
Honestly, WHY are vacations, movies, time away from the home considered “extra”? I can tell you for first hand experience how those things are a necessity of life when it comes to mental health and well-being. My husband went almost 10 years without being able to afford a vacation. Now, he is on disability and his stress levels and anxiety levels are through the roof. You can not tell me they are extras.
Oh, I hear “you people” in the back there. Sure, we could give up Cable, internet, our car, and sort of “snack” food, and even our smoking. Yes, I’ll give you the smoking one. That is expensive and horrible. But did you know that it is an ADDICTION? Oh, yeah, of COURSE you know someone who quit cold turkey no problem, no help. They had NO trouble.
Yeah, we ALL know someone like that. Should be EASY then for every smoker to quit that way right? Whatever. You can just shut up and leave now. People like you can not be reasoned with. You’ve made up your mind, and no matter what I say it won’t change your mind. You believe our money troubles are our own doing because of that.
As for the rest of it? I am sure many people do just fine without a car, and maybe we could to? Who knows. I am not willing to find out. Taxi’s are to expensive, and the cost of a bus for a month from here to town is about the cost of gas in our car for a month, and a good portion of our grocery shopping could not be brought home on a bus.
And cutting out cable and internet would not be enough money to add in other entertainment, and we NEED some sort of entertainment.
Honestly, we have cut back what we can, where we can.
I do have to be honest though, we are DAMNED lucky in many respects, when it comes to our house. The owner is AMAZING about hubby’s being on LTD and our money situation. Sure, some of it is because we are the managers in the park, and if we were homeless it wouldn’t be a good thing, but it is also just simply because he’s a good guy. I think? Never met the guy in the 3 and half years we’ve done this job.
Actually, I am pretty sure that knowing we will always have a roof, even if we have no food or “extras” (I include toilet paper in that extras pile FYI), is THE biggest thing that keeps me trying to move forward. If all else fails? we have a home.
You know, One thing that would help, people in general, but me specifically, is if random strangers would just look at each other and say one nice thing, DO one nice thing. And yes! I DO do that. I just don’t go around saying I did it, normally. It’s just natural for me to. It’s how I am. I wouldn’t say it was fully how I was raised, though that is the base of it. I just LIKE to help people, randomly.
Look, I may hate people (public situations) in general, and I may HATE hugging or touching people who are not family (possibly friends? Don’t know), but I just get this warm fuzzy from helping people who aren’t expecting it.
For example, I was in grabbing a few things the other day, and this older lady in a wheel chair was at the till in front of me. Man she was “a pip” for lack of better words. She struck me as the type that was quite independent and strong of character. You know that type? Well, the clerk (sweet lady)_ kept having to come around the counter to grab things, put them in the bags and help the lady out. So, I took it upon myself to help load her groceries on to her chair, and hand things up to the cashier. Even help pack the bags. NOT because I was expected to, NOT because I felt bad for anyone, and CERTAINLY not because the 2 could not. BUT, I did it because it was a nice thing to do, it felt right, it felt GOOD. I LIKE doing things like that.
Or if a child is crying and Mom looks at wit’s end, I’ll stop and make faces or talk to them. I don’t know why, but I can usually get a child to be quiet and smile rather quickly. NOT my own mind you, but others. haha
Or putting carts away that people just leave behind. I don’t know. It’s just what I do. Hell, I apparently even smile and say hi to people randomly. I don’t even realize I am doing it. Kid observed it is usually people who look sad, grumpy, or alone. *shrugs* No clue. I HONESTLY do not know I am doing it.
Look, I am NOT saying this for any sort of “atta girl” pats on the back. I am saying this, because …. why AM I saying it? I don’t know, maybe in the hopes others will to? You know, I have “resting bitch face”. When I am out and about I look ready to kill (supposedly), so people avoid me, I even get scowls, or told I am ugly (yes, that happens … thanks), but you know what? THAT is the person that needs the smile, or the “you like nice today” comment.
Men, I get you are confused. You are told NOT to cat call or make comments. I don’t mean that. I don’t MEAN you should notice a woman for her looks or body, just a smile and a nod and KEEP WALKING, would do AMAZING things for ANY PERSON, even a man.
There IS a difference between friendly and “look at the bod”. Sometimes it is subtle, but it’s there. If you have women friends and you REALLY are unsure? ask them, I am sure they would be willing to help? We aren’t trying to be bitches. We just don’t want to be meat!
Well, I am sure you are looking for the “too damn long” section, and maybe I should put one in. But honestly, I just have no clue how to summarize my feelings right now.
tl;dr My emotions are all OVER the map, but I just feel like crap.
And, Try being randomly nice to someone,
even if especially if they look pissed off or just not happy.
A side note: This post was more cathartic for me than usual. I started out in tears (should have seen the spelling mistakes!) – which I hate & won’t admit to – and ended in , well, not happy, but semi-relaxed? Less “take me out of life”, more “I can take another step, maybe two”.