Hurry up and wait

We’ve all heard that expression, and for a long time I have felt that has been where I am in life, a perpetual “Hurry up and wait” cycle of nothingness.

Thing is, when I get these good moods (and I hope this one doesn’t go away any time soon?) they seem to always coincide with that whole “can’t do anything” part of my life.

My good moods usually come with major pent-up energy, like I have stored it up or something during my depressive state of inactivity? Problem is, there is nothing I can do (well besides house work, which I avoid like it is a snot filled bubble! – that’s a story for some other time.)

Right now, my Mind and my body are at war, I WANT to go out and do ALL THE THINGS, like the zip line that just opened up, I want to go get singing lessons to take the rust of my voice (love singing, just not good any more), I want to DO STUFF. Problem is, I may have mental energy (boy do I get giddy), but physical energy is not there. AND, even if I DID have physical energy? I have no money for any thing.

I want to make a new purse, I want to make a skirt I’d actually wear (yes, I said skirt, get back in your chair). I want to get back on my treadmill, I want to … I want to do it all. And it’s not just the money, I have enough for little stuff, like the purse (maybe? costs me about $60 to buy all the stuff I could swing that over the next month or two?), but that’s not what I REALLY want to do. What I REALLY want to do is get on my treadmill. I MISS it.

BUT, doc says until I know for SURE what is wrong with my kidney, I should be careful what I do, even bending certain ways. Hmm that explains the extra “twinges” after the amazing mind-blowing sex hubby and I had! Damn, didn’t think of that. hehe WORTH IT!

So, because of that, and money, I am as the title says, at that point where it is “hurry up and wait”. I have until August 9th before the CT scan, then who knows how long after that for the results and a doctor’s appointment. THEN depending on what the issue is, how long after that to be able to do anything?

In all that time, chances are I will have 4 or 5 up and downs I will have gone through. BAH. It’s nuts. I know for a fact I can keep my happy “up moments” going much longer when I can do things. I just want to do things.

So, for now, I guess just doing daily grocery shopping is my “out and about”? bah humbug!

Who wants to come see me and go for a coffee? Anyone? Even that would be nice. Get out of the house, visit?  Oh, wait, I don’t get along well with others. Never-mind. 😀

HELP! My energy is trapped and wants out. This is wrong people, wrong! I want to use my energy, and NOT to clean my house.

 

 

—-I’d apologize for the mental zippiness that is me right now, but … I’m not sorry! I am HAPPY! (a bit over the top happy, but happy nonetheless!)

I LIKE happy, goofy, nutso. It’s when I feel GREAT about who I am. And when I don’t swear at random strangers for pissing me off. hehehe

And THIS is why I wish I could still sing. I could get out the happy without being “a nut case” on the happy scale. Seriously though? I can be slightly manic when I have my up moments, especially when I have been so low for so long. I truly feel almost itchy in my need to use up some energy. It’s both a wonderful feeling, and frustrating, at the same time. I love that I am in a good place, but hate that I can do very little with it.

Just need to pace myself some, if I can, perhaps I can hold on longer before the next low.

Ohhh Think dancing in my kitchen would could as “to active” in doc’s eyes?

I feel like a hyper kid trapped in the house on a rainy day with big mud puddles just inches away!

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