Be warned, I am in a good mood – worse than a bad one!
Also? I get VERY mushy and stuff near the end, you may want to stop reading before last few paragraphs.
(dots for the Facebook preview so you aren’t forced to see it all. 😉 )
I have noticed many times in the past that as I swing into a good mood (usually spring to fall) that my outlook on life AND my body image changes. This all makes sense really, if life inside your mind is stormy, how can you feel good about your outward appearance?
Thing is? I have NEVER been a “girly girl”. Oh, my Mom tried, always dressed me up as a child, dresses, bows, etc. I’d rip them off faster than you could say stop. I’d be out playing ‘Bulldog’ with the boys – I have an older brother who I worshiped as a child – and jumping in puddles, climbing trees, and rough-housing with the biggest boys you could find. I HATED, still do, pink and anything girly. I played with toys geared to boys, video games (I’m an original gamer people!)
After awhile my Mom gave up, let me be who I am, unless a VERY special occasion, like an RCMP ball, or some hospital event. But most of the time I was allowed to be me. Explore the woods behind our house, get dirty and play “boy” games. Heck, I was spoiled too! Mom bought us all the new video game systems each year. I must have played the original Star Wars game a million times. Never did get under that one At-At. Broke the game eventually I got so frustrated.
Thing is? A few times in my life, I actually enjoyed being “girly”. Just fresh out of high school, going to the bars, dancing … hell, I was girling up with the best of them. It was a competition for me. I was exploring my sexuality, learning to love my body (oh, I hated myself from grade 9 and up. Bullied and ridiculed .. it was a nightmare!), and in general testing the waters.
The last few months I have been getting “girly” for a whole other reason. I have tried to use it as both a shield and as a pick me up. I had gotten so deep in my depression I knew I needed to do SOMETHING, anything to kick my self out of it. All my usual tricks weren’t working, doing all the things hubby’s therapist suggested, definitely did nothing, so I resorted to “acting” my way out of it. I would dress up (don’t faint yet, nothing as drastic as dresses or even skirts. Still just jeans) and put on make up. Then slowly I started to wear sleeveless shirts, in COLOURS, not just black! (That was the biggest change)
I went out in the world and pretended to be someone with confidence, love for herself, and happy. It began to slowly seep in. I bought makeup, bought more coloured shirts, even bought a pink one (you may faint now). I even debated about buying a skirt, but no.
Yesterday, I even bought a set of small earrings, one that look like diamonds.
Thing is? I am starting to LIKE this new me. Don’t have the money for all this girly stuff, but I like it.
I am not even sure I know who I am any more?!
It’s amazing how we all handle our mental health, what things will work where nothing else did. It took almost 6 months to realize I was even in the hole, and another 6 to climb out. This last 3 – 4 days has been amazing.
I have no illusion that the clothes alone were the reason I was able to get out. It was a combination of things, I think. Music being a huge one. And oddly, my health getting worse has been a part of that. I think realizing that life is finite and we need to if not make the most actively, at least mentally enjoy ourselves.
Seriously? If we can’t love ourselves AS IS? How can we trust others will? I am damned lucky to have a husband that loves me no matter what, at my worst and best. He climbs into the hole to support me for fuck sake! But, to love yourself? It’s something that if you can accomplish that? I HAVE to believe it will be there for me when I fall back in. And I will, I have no illusions that I am “cured” of depression. But if I can hold on to this love of self, and a TRUE happiness (for me, everyone is different), then when I am in that hole next time, maybe that light will shine brighter, the hole won’t be so deep, and the stay not as long.
You know, I am still a work in progress, I have a LONG way to go before I truly love myself fully, as is, but I have am well on my way.
I know this is going to sound laughable to many, but I truly have Supernatural (specifically Jensen and Jared) to thank for this. Yeah, go ahead and laugh, I get it. But see, thing is, hubby and I discovered Supernatural this past April (according to hubby – April 30th at 12pm. Actually, he has it down to the second!?! Pretty sure it’s helped him too. 😀 ) We managed to catch up from beginning to end in time to watch the last 4 or 5 episodes as they aired. I think it took a month to watch all 9 season, and most of 10? Yep, the ultimate binge watching.
Me? I have now watched from beginning to end about 4 times now. It’s an addiction. I have problems sleeping due to my health (thyroid fucks me right up).
And this is where I get to the point …
What I mean by them saving me, and the show. If you have seen the show, you have seen all they have gone through as brothers, as individuals, and they ALWAYS make it out the other-side. Maybe with a few more scars, but they make it. They are always there for each other and they ALWAYS keep moving forward.
Because of the show I started to follow them on twitter etc (NOT in a stalker-ish way), and found out about Jared’s issues with depression. Oh, sure. I follow others and their struggles with it – Bloggess, Wil Wheaton, and more – But, well, to be honest, this is the first show I have ever become obsessed with, so for whatever reason, Jared’s fight meant more to me.
To see Jensen and Jared’s friendship in real life as well? Well, just made it hit home all the more. And of course I also became obsessed with music (it is always my go to when I am depressed), and hearing Jensen sing? Yeah, can make hearts flutter. 😉
Not to be melodramatic about this, but I truly credit 4 people/things for saving me the past 3 months; My husband & son (I could them as one because “family”), Supernatural, and Jensen & Jared.
With out that combination? Well, I don’t know. I know I insist I’d NEVER commit suicide, I still stand by that, BUT, truth be told? I was getting pretty deep in that hole before Supernatural.
Heh, Supernatural was my ladder, and the people were the rope and support. (I amaze me with how clever I am! 😉 😀
Ok, I think I am over caffeinated. I better end this now.
But before I go? As corny as this is, and knowing only hubby will see this? I want to thank ALL of them, hubby, my kid, the show, Jensen and Jared … I honestly am not sure I would be here if it weren’t them all of that!!
Ok, enough sap from me!! I am going to go have more coffee and move a mountain!