[UPDATE AT BOTTOM]
Some days I really feel like I live that song, but instead of a cat it is depression, stress, and anxiety (the last being a rarity for me, usually).
I’ll cross my fingers and toes, the depression is respecting the restraining order right now, and staying 5 feet away at all times! Occasionally it will caress my mind and let me know it is still there. Like a crazed ex that doesn’t take the hint. But, Luckily, I am holding my own and it’s keeping its distance.
No, this “cat” that came back is the stress/anxiety bitch. Not huge, much like depression, it’s behaving, for now. BUT, Tuesday happened, as I will explain, so now I sit here and complain on my blog, while stress and anxiety inch slowly closer. Just for the record, when I do get anxiety, it is not sever like my husband or others I know get. It is just regular anxiety, anxiety that keeps me awake worrying about stuff. Which on its own is, whatever, but when it combines with the stress and depression, it can get harsh, manifesting into some morbid dreams and asthma attacks.
So, Tuesday, I was called in to the hospital for an ultrasound on my neck (keeping an eye on my lymph-nodes). They had a cancellation so could fit me in. Hell, didn’t even receive a notice that I had an appointment date yet, so I figured why not. Get it over and done.
While I was there, I asked about the CT scan and what the c-/c+ meant on my req form. Apparently it is 2 scans, one without a contrasting injection of something and one with the contrasting injection of something. Good to know. As she answered my question, she had one of her own, had I had had a blood test yet or not. Nope, didn’t know I needed one, so she sent me over. It was to make sure I can take the dye or radiation or something? And to measure something to do with the kidney?* I figured while I was having those blood tests, I would get my TSH for my thyroid checked (WAY over due!).
Now, apparently doctors office called this morning (Wed) and asked for me to call them back. They called at 9 or 9:30am. (They open at 8 – 8:30 am.) Well, my husband had forgotten to tell me, so I didn’t know until 10pm. Now, once upon a time that would not have bothered me. After all, what difference is one day going to make? Not a lot. So why sweat it.
But, as the evening has now blended into late night/early morning, I find myself wondering just which part of Tuesday are they calling about? Is it about my thyroid levels? The ultrasound? The other blood test for whatever they said? Is it serious? MUST be serious, they called almost as soon as they opened! And to have the results the very next morning when I had the tests done at 3pm? Yeah, seems like a serious thing. Right? Yeah, maybe.
And that is where I am at. KNOWING one day will not be a huge deal, but NEEDING TO KNOW NOW! It’s a thing, a thing I never had before, but has become MY thing in the last few years.
This is not a feeling I handle well (as my blog posts will attest to), or even accept.
Ah well. I will go, try to sleep and leave the worry until morning. Oh. Wait. It IS morning. Dammit. I mean until I wake up. I can do that, I can fall asleep?
I will just keep fighting this feeling until I sleep, or until they open tomorrow. I sill NOT let anxiety haul the rest of them back in. Not going to happen. I LIKE being in a good place, dammit!
*Look, I listen, I do! It’s just … have you ever had a sponge sitting in a bowl of water and tried to make it absorb more water? That’s my brain. NOT because of knowledge, no, it just doesn’t absorb! Ever since my thyroid crapped out. (it was selective memory before that. 😉 ) Very annoying I must say.
So I phone the doctors office. I still have no real clue what is going on. I think my doctor just knows me too well? Maybe? He just wanted them to let me know “Ultrasound came back. He just wants you to know that the results are ok, no major issues, but if you’d like to make an appointment to discuss it, then we can book that for you know”.
Now, did he WANT me to make an appointment? is there changes and he just doesn’t want me to worry? OR is it just that he knows damned well I would make an appointment ANYWAY, because that’s what I do?
I have a theory that it is a combination of things. 1.) He fucked up on my pelvic ultrasound. Not calling me to come in, and when I came in to confirm the results, THAT was when he noticed an issue with my kidney. 2.) I do, always, make an appointment after any blood test just so I know the details (What? I like to make damned sure things are where I want them). 3.) there has been a small increase in the size of the lymph-nodes/lumps. Which, if it’s a mm or less is not a huge deal, just means I continue to have an ultrasound yearly.
The good thing is? I am no longer worried/stress about it. Monday will get here soon enough, and I know in the past when it IS a big deal, he has had them tell me.
*WHEW* Now maybe I can get some decent sleep. hahahahaha