***Sorry for my jumping thoughts, it’s how I am when happy. Read with caution! You might get dizzy.***
Emotions are much like the tides, and for me can even be as frequent in their changes. I normally only have problems in the winter, but as the past year of posts point out, I had a VERY bad year. BUT, I have finally pulled myself out of the pit and into the sunshine. Frankly, I am LOVING it up here. I had actually forgotten how nice it can be out of the pit.
I am at that stage where I can reach out and give my husband help with OUT the fear of falling back myself. It’s only been a week or two, but I was so sure, so damned fearful this wouldn’t last I avoided supporting my husband in his journey.
Maybe, in a way that was ok? Because it seems like I blinked and missed something? Maybe my good mood is contagious? Because many tiny miracles are happening. My husband is smiling more, laughing louder, and even letting me do silly little things (like paint his toenails. hehe). Hell, even my son seems to be perking up his mood.
That’s the problem when the whole family suffers depression. It takes one to pull you down, and maybe, apparently, it can take one to pull all out? It becomes a feed back loops. Well, that’s my theory at any rate.
I have many things and people to thank for helping pull me out, for helping me help myself. Won’t list them all, as many are silly, some wouldn’t even know I exist. I suppose the two 2 would be Music and Supernatural.
You know, the problem I have with anything, from depression to physical problems? I may complain like I am down, or my arm hurts, but I never truly admit, or notice just how bad it is until it is gone. I have always been that way. Cut my head open once when I was about 9. I was at camp, and kept INSISTING I was fine, I did not want to leave. Couldn’t stand up from dizziness, and the bleeding wouldn’t stop, but I was FINE. Ended up with 10 stitches in the top of my head. Another time, dislocated my ankle, I was about 10 or 11. Hurt like crazy, but no WAY was I going to the hospital, wasn’t THAT bad. But, it needed to be set and have a cast.
And that’s the way I am.
So, when I was depressed, I knew I was depressed, just didn’t realize HOW BADLY. Now, looking back. Whew. Bit scary. I’m 90% sure I never would have gone and done anything drastic, but man, I was LOW! Truly not sure how I managed to get away from that? Looking back, I mean I was stuck but good in the darkness.
ANYWAY, enough of THAT thought process.
Completely off the topic, but towards my sons better mood. I have often joked about conventions and people I’d see “if I win the lottery”, and will tell hubby and kid some of the adventures and FUN one of my online friend (can’t bring myself to call her by name. heh I’ve known her as her nickname for FAR too long!), and my son is NOW talking about finding a job and saving up money so we can all go to DragonCon or even just where she lives. That’s HUGE, for him. He hates leaving the house because “people are idiots mom. Too many people make me just want to hit things.” Or something like that? He gets VERY antsy around crowds.
I think knowing her struggles with anxiety, and public etc, and YET how she pushes through (seriously, she’s a hero in my eyes!) has really helped him come to terms with pushing himself, or at least thinking about it, which is a start.
He has actually even asked me to look up the cost of a few conventions. He’s still not sure he wants to go, but he thinks about it.
So, the whole point of my rambling is, I think, the fact we are all seemingly on the up swing of life, and it’s amazing how people you have never met, but consider a friend, and even people who don’t even know you exist, can pull your bacon from the fire and lift you up, even be role models.
So to every one and thing out there that has EVER been a part of lifting me from the muck? I can NEVER thank you enough, ever, but thank you from the bottom of my heart!