(Scroll to bottom for the tl;dr section.)
Reflections can be many things, I think? You can reflect on the past, even the present (sort of). You can see a reflection, and well, I am sure there is more. But while I am away from the keyboard my brain comes up with these wonderful award winning posts, the second I sit down to type it, it all flies right out of my brain and I become a drooling monkey without a banana.
I am the same way in person. I KNOW how to behave and act around others, but to actually BE a normal human and interact with someone? AND make sense? not going to happen.
Lately my depression has been decent to hang back and let my mind breath (Can’t say the same about my lungs and ACTUAL breathing, all the smoke around). But, that has led to much reflection of self. Which usual leads back to depression. *Knock on wood* Not this time, yet.
Although, I do have to fight it at every turn. But that will be a lifetime of that, it’s just a matter of how hard I have to fight it. Lately, just an occasional swing seems to be enough?
I have been looking in the mirror a lot lately, both literal and figuratively. I am TRYING very hard to
booster bolster? lift myself up. And today, with our second day of rain (YAY!) and me having my period (oh, ya, TMI), it seemed like a perfect time to reflect on things with my “out-loud-voice” (well, type in this case).
One thing I have ALWAYS loved about myself, well, 2 things, are my eyes, and my hair. And, since my thyroid decided to fuck my body up, my hair slipped off the “love this” list and into the “what the hell do I do with it” pile. But my eyes, I still love them. (minus the glasses :P) They are the one redeeming quality even when the depression convinces me I am an ugly old crone who is trying to pass as human. I am not trying to be conceited, honest! It’s not like my eyes are all that super special compared to other people’s eyes. They aren’t. It’s just, well, even when my depression, or anxiety, or self-doubt crops up, my eyes never lie to me. No matter how much I try to hide anything.
That goes for everyone I find, I LOVE people’s eyes. Which, is odd, considering I can NOT look people in the eyes when I talk to them. I get all jelly inside like they will know I am some big assed loser who isn’t even human, let alone normal! But people I trust, love, care about, KNOW *coughhubbycough* and could stare into their eyes for HOURS! Getting lost, and seeing so much, both of myself, and them.
Ok, yes now I realize I sound like some fucking crazy nut job, but whatcha going to do? It’s how I feel. So I’m nuts. We all are in some ways.
ANY how … So, my eyes, when I am at my lowest, I will get a glimpse of my eyes in the mirror, and try to tell myself all will be ok, and my eyes tell the truth. It’s not about convincing myself, it’s about believing. If I don’t believe it? My eyes know that. And frankly, I just think my eyes are pretty. Sue me! 😀
Wow, ok THAT was a tangent .. Back to my original point, if I can remember it?
Rain. Weather in general affects my moods in HUGE ways. And it is not always the same way. It all depends on what else is going on in my life at the time. The ONLY constant would be the sun. When it is sunny, especially after a long winter, or days of darkness? Sun can make me feel like I am an 8-year-old all over again. I feel like twirling in the beams of light and just basking in the sun. I want to lie in the grass and stare at the clouds. I feel giddy.
But, we have rain. And rain, at least the past decade or so, will usually pull my mood to the sub-basement and tie up my inner child, torturing it until it is a lifeless clump of nothingness. (pretty liberal with the metaphor today. Shows where MY mind is …)
Thankfully, the rain is not depressing my mood today. Making me long for a sleep as deep as my cats? Yeah, sure. But not depressing. We need it too much. No, I want to jump in the puddles (if I had energy), I want to stand in it and just let it run over my face as I cry.
Yes, I find I am very easy to tears lately, but that is more hormonal (and stress) than it is mood. Mm there is a difference believe it or not. For me at least. That is THE BIGGEST thing I will NOT miss once my uterus is ripped from me unforgivingly. Oh I will NOT miss having my period and all the problems that come with it. Not one bit. I will miss nothing about it. For the record (as if I haven’t mentioned this before) I HATE crying. With all my soul and body I hate crying. It can be lethargic, and soothing, but I HATE IT!
I may toss hate around casually for somethings, but cry? I hate it more than earwigs and spiders. HATE IT with every breath. I feel weak, and moronic, and self-centered, and just a nasty mess.
Look, I KNOW I have self-esteem issues, and I am pretty sure I could trace it back all the way to the first day. But, that is for a therapist if I ever had one (did as kid, but that is SO for another time).
So many things contributed to my self-esteem issues. Parents, peers, TV, Commercials, I am sure it was all that, but I was my worst critic. And when it rains, it takes me back to childhood, when I was alone, and would go play in the rain because I knew no other kids would be out. I could be myself, be alone. Do what I wanted to without any one else to tell me how to be. I was a push over. So I was treated as such. And when it rained? It was amazing.
Now though, rain sends me into reflective mode. I think about where I went wrong, what I could have, should have done in life. How I could have been different. All that self punishment comes boiling to the surface in the rain. But today? Today I realized something. Today I realized that it doesn’t matter. NONE of that matters. The past is just that, past. it is over, it is done. It can’t be changed.
Look, I’m not saying I have had some giant epiphany, or life changing moment here. It’s not like I am going to all of a sudden become less lazy, or exercise or any thing like that (though I should. 😉 ). No, It just means, I am going to start treating myself better. Be less bitchy to myself. Stop being so DAMNED judgmental of me. I am who I am. And frankly, if I can’t love me? How the fuck am I suppose to expect anyone else to? Right?
No, I may be a no body, I might be lazy, fat, and all other things I call myself down for, but know what? It is who I am. What I NEED to do, is stop being so hard on myself for what I am or am not, and start looking at what I AM good at.
I need to stop thinking that any time I think something good about myself that it means I am conceited, or stuck up, or self-centered. It doesn’t mean ANY of that. It means that I like me, I know what is good about me, and stuff the rest of the world if they can’t see that!
I have a HUGE heart, at trust me when I say even if I won the lottery I’d be broke! I would give it all away. (Yes, I WOULD spend a ton on myself as well, but it’d be more for the family than specifically me) Hell, you need me? I’m there! Tell me when and what I can do! I’ll do it! Need my last dollar for milk? NO problem. Need my car for whatever? Hop in, I’ll drive you to the moon if you need me to.
Mind, that has gotten me in trouble in the past, taken advantage of, but I don’t do it to get anything. I do it because I care about the person.
And, I have to admit, when my brain is working right? I can be pretty creative. NOT artistic, but great ideas. I am a HUGE ideas person. Just not the best on follow through. Though, I miss that. Since my brain dissolved when my thyroid went to hell, I have had very little in the way of an original thought. But I DO love making purses? Odd thing, I would LOVE to make my own clothes (use to, and not to toot my own horn? But I was good at it!). BUT, that takes money, and time. Money I have none, and time? Well, I have too much of that, just not the energy to go with it. PLUS I don’t have all the equipment I would LOVE to have to sew professional quality stuff.
Ok, I think I am done now. I HIGHLY doubt that this novel even makes sense. But it was very therapeutic. haha
AND for those looking for it:
The basic gist of the post, I love my eyes, the rain can depress me, but instead it made me realize I need to love me for who I am. I will ALWAYS need to keep fight depression, but it isn’t bad right now. I HATE, repeat, HATE with a passion when I cry! AND I doubt I will ever change who I am, but I have great ideas I will never follow through on. 😀
Also, I learned I can’t spell worth shit without spell check! (And I make up words. hah)
OH! AND, Just for the record (my new phrase of the week I think), I am in a great mood. If weepy.