Hard to believe that it has been almost 3 weeks since I found out I am able to get my hysterectomy. Time flies when you do nothing. 😉
Not really true. The kid now has a job, and while we settle into the new routine, it feels a bit like I am always on the go (by FAR, I am NOT!)
So I have been having weird dreams mostly (I assume) about the surgery? While I am awake I do NOT feel nervous about my surgery. I feel hopeful and excited. I can’t WAIT for it to be done. BUT, in my dreams? I think I have some issues to work through. (not just the surgery either. Still haven’t gotten adoption records. GRR!)
I have been dreaming about being in a coma, and in about 1/4 of the dreams Jensen and Jared (sometimes it is Dean and Sam? Don’t ask, same people just different in my head I suppose?) try to kill me because they think I am some sort of monster? Or something? Then other times it’s just one of them and they just stand there staring at me. And even though I am supposedly in a coma, I get so uncomfortable I end up dying from a heart attack. WTF?
I mean sure, in real life I’d probably die (figuratively) if either of them even glanced in my direction let alone STARED at me. But How would I know if I was in a coma? And how the HELL do you go into a coma from a hysterectomy? huh? Seriously. MY mind is trying to tell me SOMETHING, I just have no clue what. Well, not entirely true. Since I usually end up dying JUST before the kid pays for the stuff to send me to DragonCon? That MIGHT have something to do with it. Though why Jensen and/or Jared would try to kill me is beyond me. *shrugs* They don’t strike me as the types. Maybe their characters, but not them.
But again. I am in a fucking COMA! HOW the HELL would I know the difference? (yeah, yeah, it’s a dream, of course I get that they don’t always make sense. I’m not stupid. Just confused. hehehe)
Hmm typing this out is making me think that maybe this has more to do with my anxiety about DragonCon than the actual surgery. The surgery just happens to be the best excuse. Mm Makes sense. J & J still don’t make sense though. I’ll have to think on that one.
BUT to be fair to both of them, in one dream (out of, what? 20 or so?) they actually saved me (some god awful drink I think?) and paid for …. not sure what? Maybe the trip? Not sure, that’s when I woke up, so it’s the bit I forgot first.
In the rest of the dreams without them in it, IF I am not in a coma, I either disappear right as the doc is about to cut into me — just poof, everything is black, I can’t feel, hear, or see ANYTHING. Just black. Can’t even hear my thoughts. Which is freaky! That’s usually when I wake up. — OR the other version, I am self-healing/un-cuttable. So she tries over and over and over again to take the uterus out, but it grows back instantly WITH the fibroids and cysts.
Hey, never said I was normal, or sane, so whatever, just walk away now! (Though, I HAVE been test, and supposedly I am sane, and normal? I suspect the doc was a fake. 😉 But that was many, many years ago. Things change.)
I am actually beginning to miss my mundane “flying in the clouds” dreams. At least those I know what to expect, and I might not always be in control of my flying, but I never die! Just can’t stop or control it. Huh? Though, I ALWAYS manage to get control RIGHT before I crash, or have had enough and give up. Metaphor for life anyone? 😉
Anyway, speaking of dreams (which is why I hate sleeping. WAY, WAY to vivid lately. Just give me ONE night with out a dream), I do believe it is a quarter past my bedtime. Err well, usually I don’t get exhausted until 3:30 or 4(am). But, tonight I think it’s caught up to me, even after having coffee.
Oh, small side note, nothing really of importance, just a minor thing to a few of the dreams with J & J. But I mean it’s nothing. Maybe just a bit of stress about the adoption records. Silly thing at any rate. Seems in some *coughmorethanhalfcough* of the dreams with them, one of them just happens to be a brother (well, half-brother if you do the math). And because I am a no body/not good enough, is part of the reason I end up dead … But, I mean, how is THAT more traumatic when he/they kill me than when they don’t know me?
(Yes, I know. I have a fucked up brain!!)
ANYWAY (I say that a LOT), Now is the time I quit stalling, go to bed, and hope to fuck I do NOT dream. And I should really try to remember to take my muscle relaxers for my back and arm.
*stalls more by re-reading and editing the crap out of the post, maybe deleting it and redoing it …. Stall stall ….