***2 sentence TL;DR at the very bottom.***
I am having one HELL of a weird day, actually I could probably extend that to month!
I mean first there is the whole hysterectomy, my kid growing up in DAYS – not age wise, but personally, work and planning his life and … – there is my parents backing off a bit with their “disappointments” in me (more on that in a bit), and just a host of other stuff.
THEN today! Today I get this mild-mannered compliment … but it just knocked me back.
Okay, so I am going to go into a bit more of me than I am usually comfortable doing. Oh, I share, and TMI a lot! But, I have never really gotten into the whole meat of me. Don’t worry, I am not going to get all THAT deep, just enough so you understand a bit. This may get long, so if you want to just close the browser and go play a game, I get that. I probably would too. No hard feelings.
I am sure it is easy to tell I am not “that” type of person, the one with Type A personality. I am not one who feels pretty no matter who or how often I hear it. I am not the type of person to feel like I fit in, ANY WHERE. I have never fit in. Not with the jocks, not with the geeks, not with the dorks, not with the popular, or even with the outcasts. I didn’t fit, any where. I tried, there were others that felt similar, we gravitated to each other. But even with them I never quite felt like I belonged.
I have always been the loner, much to my mothers chagrin! She tried SO HARD to help me make friends (even when I didn’t want to), put me in this program or that, even got me a counselor. It was pointless, I saw the two faces or the butterfly, I wasn’t a serial killer, just out-of-place. She wanted me to BE something, a doctor, a nurse, hell any career, at one point I think she even got me typing lessons so I could be a secretary. Anything but a drop out waitress or clerk. But I LIKED those jobs. I hate public, I hate people, but I LOVE interacting in that way. Safety maybe?
Thing is, until just the last few years? I hated myself. I am not talking “oh I wish I could change this, or I wish I could change that” No, There were times I honestly just wish I had never existed. I always felt (still do in some ways) that my mother would have been MUCH happier with a different daughter. Didn’t matter to me that being adopted meant I was “chosen”. After all, you can choose when they are little, you don’t have a CLUE what they are like as adults.
Plus, add to that I was bully my whole school life. You know, my brother (and my dad for many years, short version, I was a Daddy’s girl) was pretty much the ONLY person in the ENTIRE WORLD that I had felt had my back. Loved me for me no matter what I did, was, looked like. He was, still is, the most simple, basic, person I know. Had a mind like no other. SMART, kind, funny, but held grudges like no tomorrow. I miss him. His sickness stole my brother. When he is feeling well, and he phones? He can BABBLE like I post, only MORE random! But it makes my heart sing. I miss him.
Anyway, I think if it hadn’t been for him? I doubt I would even lived long enough to meet my husband. And I don’t mean that in a “oh, yeah well I doubt the Canucks will get a Stanley Cup” kind of way. I mean, I attempted to end my life. Only ever told people of the once, because I was found out (not like a tried a LOT maybe twice or something …). I do not know that I was ever serious. I was at a cross roads in my life (and the parents faith), I didn’t know what would or would not happen if I died. I don’t even know that I cared a lot about what those I left behind would feel? I just KNEW that everyone would be better with out a failure like me. I was ugly, I was fat, I was stupid and horrible, I was NOT smart. I was, a loser.
I still carry that with me, but I am learning. Hell, after 20 years of marriage, and my husband telling me EVERY SINGLE DAY that he loves me and I am beautiful … I still don’t REALLY believe it, not fully. But I am learning. I have learned to see what I DO like about me, what is GOOD about me. and I usually have many more good days than bad.
The few years I have been back sliding because of health issues, my hypothyroidism throwing my whole life in the blender and changing the game. Rather than JUST feeling like a hibernating bear in winter, all of a sudden I was feeling that low point almost daily. And the asthma, not allowing me to just go for a walk, and having a family so I couldn’t just get in the car like I did as a teen, and drive until I almost ran out of gas, fill up and go home. I couldn’t just go.
MANY things added to who I am, and the base of it all of course is me. I just have that sponge like personality that can be turned into something amazing, or something that is so full of crap it is useless. BUT what I am learning, is that sponges, while they hold on to things, they can also be rinsed out and re-filled. I am trying to rinse out the negative, it’s just not easy when you get old and set in your ways. Hell, my parents STILL nit pick my weight, smoking (ok, I agree with that one), my health choices, my husband, how I raised my son … you name it, I am sure they can find a fault in it!
Look, don’t get me wrong. I LOVE my parents, but I also try to avoid them because I do not have the power in me, the energy, to be brutally honest and tell them WHAT their “well-meaning criticisms” do to me. I not only can’t? I also WON’T! I will just do the avoidance thing, and hope that I can “get over it”. They are in their 70’s, what good will it do now to try to change them? No, I am best to just try to chance me, hopefully for the better.
I think this is WHY I am so damned proud of my kid! He is VERY similar to me (personality wise), BUT. BUT, he is STRONG, he fights back. He … well, he is just an amazing kid. That’s all there is too it. I have written about him before, go look if you missed it and don’t mind a novel.
Why am I all of a sudden getting into all this you might ask. Well many reasons as I said above (I think?). A big reason being my hysterectomy. I kept my ovaries, so ASSUMED I wouldn’t get the emotional, menopausal effects. Then, after, I did research, because of the work they do to remove everything, yeah, yeah I CAN get that emotion, menopausal thing for a few months while everything heals, and the ovaries try to get back into working and balance. *head desk*
I wasn’t bad the first week, thought I was a “lucky one”, but now, 10 days in and I am starting to realize that I am a TAD bit more emotional than usual. Had an “irritable” moment with my family today – recognized it, told them why and to just give me some time – and now I am having a very low and yet some how happy ? crying moment.
See, someone I respect (even though I don’t KNOW them), gave me a mild, minor compliment, nothing big, nothing out of the ordinary. But it threw me so off my usual tracks that I am now in some ocean some where being threatened by my tears. I think they want to drown me?
I have NEVER taken compliments well. NEVER. I had learned to say “uh, thanks.” the whole time thinking they either wanted something, or were JUST being polite and didn’t mean it.
SO, when someone you are PREEEEEEEEETY sure doesn’t just up and GIVE compliments, polite or not, gives YOU one? It sort of kicks you. HARD.
AND of course that in turn made me think about my WHOLE life, which in turn brought me here, which in turn means I spilled FAR more than I am comfortable with.
Look, I am NOT fishing for anything, hell, I don’t even care for a hug, or “Your cool” or any other platitudes. I just needed to get this off my chest before I exploded. I honestly felt like … I don’t know what I felt like. Just WRONG, some how I think I honestly understand how the “whores” in the bible would have felt (if Jesus was real) when Jesus came to them and washed them and treated THEM with respect and caring.
My inner monologue before I replied with a thanks:
DUDE? WHAT THE FUCK?
It’s not a feeling I like, but … yet? Maybe? I mean, someone I don’t know thinks I might be some normal ok ish type human? I can’t be THAT bad? right?
NO NO!! He just doesn’t know me!! That’s all
But … I mean… maybe?
Are you MENTAL? LOOK at you? Go read some of your own words you idiot. He just doesn’t know who you are. One post, one minor compliment and you are going to let THAT make you think you are a normal ok human? PFTT.
No, No, you are right. God, now I feel like an ass. I better go blog.
And so here we are. Me over sharing, and an emotional wreck and trying very hard to just, what? ignore it? Slough it off? I don’t know. I know NINETY percent (if not 99) of this is just my fucked up hormones making me dance like a trained monkey over hot coals. I just don’t know how to turn it off.
I haven’t felt this crappy about myself in a very very long time, not even my thyroid threw me this far off track. Scary part of this whole thing? Still haven’t touched on how deep this goes. Yeah, I am BROK … EN!
BUT, the GOOD part? I know this WILL pass (eventually?) I just need to hang on to something until then and just breathe.
I am hormonal, I have self-esteem issues, and I have never taken compliments well.
Someone complimented me, and now I am a freaking mess, but, it’ll go away, this feeling, and I’ll be ok.