Recovery, thoughts, and life

(There is a “tl;dr” at the bottom, I recommend jumping to that if you want to save yourself a deeper dive into what is my scrambled brain. OR read the first tiny chunk about my recovery THEN skip to bottom. You have been warned)

 

I finally broke down and took half a sleeping pill last night. Sleeping only 4 hours broken up was slowly driving me nuts. The problem of course is the next day “hangover” effect it leaves me.

I have just done too much too fast the last few days. Oh, I have been great about not lifting things, but never did listen to the no bending or stretching rules. Was impossible for me. But walking? I was feeling so good, and the few times I had gone out just tired me some, so I added driving and a long “shopping” trip, and combine that with the sleeping pill and today I just feel like I was hit by a freight train, then run over by a mac truck and THEN thrown through a wood chipper.

Kid is sleeping because he works nights, hubby is napping because he isn’t sleeping well (that time of year for his aches and pains, and depression? PLUS worrying about me), so here I sit, alone, and my thoughts are all over the place. I’m impressed with my lack of pain, but frustrated with how quickly I seem to feel worn out. Even if I do nothing, I just feel so tired. Logically I KNOW I will get better, it just feels like it is taking forever!

I just keep reminding myself I have already gone through TWO “periods” and only had minor joint aches, NOT extra laundry or worry about bed-sheets or huge mood swings, and THAT alone makes the surgery beyond worth all of this.

(right here is about the point you might want to skip to the bottom. Just saying)

But, it is not helping me today. Today I am feeling a bit low. Which I guess isn’t so bad. I knew I risked a chance of my depression getting dark when I had the surgery. Anesthetics, and hormones out of whack, I was warned it might trigger it in a big way. But I got lucky. So my low mood today, in the grand scheme of things, isn’t so bad. I just feel … Well, I don’t know? I feel alone, yet smothered (Even the cats are watching me right now?), I feel like just crying. I KNOW my husband, and son, and parents love me, but I feel like I am worthless and who the hell cares about me any way.

I’m fighting through it the best I can, but right now is when I wish I had even one friend I could just have over or go out for a coffee with. My husband tells me constantly that he loves me, and hugs me when I need it … but right this moment It just feels like something he HAS to do. I know it is just my hormones going nuts, and I know it is all a huge lie, but doesn’t stop me from thinking I am unlovable and gross.

I’m not saying this for sympathy, I hate that. I just need to vent, and remind myself that it IS a lie, and it WILL pass. and hell, I STILL love myself, even if I hate my brain right now. And that is something.

On a different topic, I still have a week until I see the surgeon for my check in! And I am HOPING she clears me for EVERYTHING. Playing with my new phone, the camera is really good, and probably the best one I will own for a long long time. So I REALLY want to get out, go up the mountain near the water shed and just play with nature pictures and just get out more than shopping.

I’m not saying I’ll take great pictures, but I know I will have a hell of a lot of fun playing with the settings and looking at the world with different eyes. If I could, I’d go right now, I have a feeling it would be very therapeutic for me, but, I am supposed to avoid incline and stairs for another 2 weeks or so. pftt

I have told the kid I am NOT going to go to DragonCon, even if he buys the tickets. (and here come the tears, I am so lame) I just … I can’t do it! YES I want to meet Cat (sorry, I just can’t think of you as any other name. 😀 ), and I guess it would be fun to see celebs and stuff, I guess? It’s just … I can’t! I don’t feel like I fit in. And let’s face it world, I do NOT make a good impression on other humans. AT least not in person. In type, I have time to think, edit, and censor my thoughts, hell, even on here I don’t put every thought down. I don’t feel like I belong in any group.

Look, this isn’t just the depression talking, though it is making the feeling stronger than usual. And I am NOT saying any of this so I get the “That’s not TRUE!”, “You DO fit in”, etc etc. I really am not looking for ANYTHING from anyone right now (well, maybe a hug or two, but nothing else). I just (do not make that a drinking game! You could die from how many times I say that) want to try to explain why I do not want to be around other people, or meet people I like, or do things that might be cool and fun.

SO many reasons, some stupid, some anti-social driven, and some legitimate. I don’t know if any of this is because I was adopted? I highly doubt that is a part of it, because my family NEVER EVER made me feel like I was not a part of them. I WAS their kid, my brother was the BEST big brother a sister could ask for. No, this is just my brain playing a horrible horrible game with me.

I have NEVER felt quite “normal”. I have always felt out-of-place. I wasn’t a geek, but played video games and read comics before it was “cool. I wasn’t a jock, but loved to play back yard sports with my brother and his friends. I wasn’t “girly” but loved to design clothes for my dolls. I could go on forever on all of those. But I just was never enough of one thing to belong to any group.

Even now I’m like that! I am obsessed with Supernatural, and marvel movies, and things like that, But I couldn’t tell you the name of any of the shows, or what should have happened from the comics. I don’t know the names of all the actors, or the length of the shows/movies/whatever. I couldn’t tell you who directed what, or what songs played or in what order. I just don’t care about that stuff. Some days I wish I DID know things like that. Some days I want to read comics so bad I feel frustrated. But, that means money, and really, what’s the point if you can’t read all the past ones and how much money would THAT cost, and where the hell would I find them?

Just forget it. No point. (And I wonder where my kid gets that attitude? oops)

I know just enough about the things I like to know if they changed something, or if they might go a certain direction with the story line. But I don’t know enough to know what is “cannon” and what is a fuck up, or if the timelines aren’t right.

I like things, because I like them. They take me out of my crap reality (crap in that I just don’t feel like I belong anywhere), and take it turns my brain off for that time and I can just enjoy it for what it is, entertainment. A way to forget about crap things in my life or the world, and just exist away from myself for a time.

I am NOT a person who has friends, or can even make friends. I can fake it for short periods of time, and can do a HELL of a job censoring myself in type, but in person? I sit there like a stone and have no fucking clue what to say to anyone, and holy crap I look like an idiot why did I do this, now they won’t ever even like me and I want to go home, when can I go home, dear god kill me now!

THAT is what is in my head 90% of the time, EVEN with my husband. Yes, even after 20 years of marriage, I still sometimes wonder, what the HELL does he see in me and HOW the hell did I ever get married? I sometimes just wait for him to look at me and say “just kidding!” and walk away.

Oh, now, I’ll be fair. It is rare these days. Usually just when my depression is lurking over my shoulder. But I still have no clue what he sees in me? He tries to tell me, show me, but *shrugs* I don’t get it?

 

tl;dr

Okay, now is the time where I just walk away and debate about burning this post and just leave behind “all is good, just tired” post in its place.

But, I won’t, this time. If you have read this WHOLE thing? Wow, umm I’d pay for your therapy bills, but I don’t have that kind of money, I am SO VERY SORRY!

And if you didn’t read it all, just jumped to this part? Just know, this post was all about me, whining, and show just how messed up I am as a human being. Wasn’t worth the read anyway.

 

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