***** Lost *****
(Incoherent babbling of a overemotional whack-a-doodle)
I am doing the “Don’t leave me out of the fun”, “I want to be a part of this”, “I know the inside jokes”, “Am I part of the family?”. Yet, the whole time, I am ready to do whatever I need to, to avoid it at all costs .
I have learned that being a fan of something will slowly kill me/make me lose my mind/self (even when it has saved me, and I am desperate to be a part of it).
I am lost in a sea of people, with a map, and I have no clue which way is home.
I know I need to “keep going”, “find my way” and “always keep fighting”, I just don’t know if I have the strength. Knowing you have support, is completely different from feeling it. If you can’t feel the support, no matter how much it is there, it isn’t going to make the difference.
I feel like a child thrown into an adult body with not a clue how to navigate the world.
I am lost.
I have hope, dim as it may be. I have hope that this place I am in is because of the hormone shift my body is going through from the surgery. I have hope that this will pass. Pass quicker than my last round of depression. I have hope that this won’t get as far as depression (this is usually the first indication it’s about to run me over with a vengeance).
I have hope, hope that someone, somewhere, will see this, know that they are NOT alone, they are NOT so different for the entire world. And I have hope, that that person will know that I care, we can be different together, different is rare, rare is worth a lot! We can be invaluable, together.
I have hope, hope that someone, anyone, will give the first person they see a smile, or a nod. you NEVER know, you might save a life. Sometimes I wish that people would do that for me. Even in my darkest time, I will seek the lowest head, the saddest face, and smile, nod my head, or even say hi.
I have hope, that one day, I will have that smile. From a stranger, or friend.
I have hope that one day, I will have a friend. To laugh with me, and at me. To tell me I NEEDED. To force me to live.
I have my husband. He is my love, my heart. I have my son who is my everything. But family can create a feedback loop. You end up giving and receiving the same emotions until it breaks you all apart.