Inside my head

Today is one of those days where my brain is working non-stop. Usually about nothing in particular, but so many random thoughts just zipping around bashing into each other combining, splitting, and general chaos.

Many times, especially this time of year, this can lead to depression, and moping. But today, the last few days actually, I am using music as a buffer. In part, music helps my thoughts line up, (not line dance though. πŸ˜€ ) and usually stay on the positive path.

I am still having depression symptoms, even now, so many months after climbing out of the hole. I can’t quite cut that rope tethering me to my pit. I have energy, I have a need and drive to do something, anything. But that rope yanks me back, not hard, almost gently, and reminds me that most of my ideas, and “big amazing” plans involve money. Which right now, we LITERALLY have 0 of. As in, we will more than likely have 3 or 4 days of actual bread and water.

But you know what? That’s ok! No, seriously. For many reasons, one being that, let’s face it, homemade bread is THE best, and the smell of it in the house is the best smell ever. Next to strawberries I think? And honestly, I have set my mind to over drive, and am FUCKING determined to NOT let my husbands depression over money affect me. Seriously. It is a huge part of why we are in this mess.

See, it is my fault. I am the watcher of the money. I figure it all out, keep track and say yes or no to what we can have. Problem is, every single time I have said no to something, my husbands anxiety levels and depression have gone THROUGH the roof. SO (this is where it is my fault) my depression couldn’t handle that, and would bend and say no problem. After all, I have ALWAYS been amazing at juggling the money. Always keeping our heads just above water. Sad thing is? I have come to the realization, that if I had dealt with this so very long ago, and not worried about what would trigger my husbands anxiety and depression, we would actually be better than “just ok”.

After all, we have a roof over our head, with an AMAZING boss-man who let’s us pay when we can. We have food (even if it is just rice, bread, and water. It’s just for a week for fuck sake), clothing, heat, power, hell we even have TV and internet. Seriously! HOW can we complain?

Yes, we are in debt, but all the main bills are paid. Sure, the credit cards are maxed (that was on food and bills while we waited for hubby’s LTD to kick in), and we have a loan, and yeah, we haven’t done our taxes in 3 years (long story – self-employed, can’t figure it out on my own, need accounted, which we can’t afford), and medical needs to be paid. BUT (and that is a REALLY huge but) Taxes are organized, and next month we can take them in, again, ALL bills ARE being paid, even if it is not the full minimum, and as for medical? All I can say, is thank FUCK we live in Canada! We still get taken care of and can see the doctor. Hopefully we will get some sort of refund when we do taxes and that will help pay down the medical (they take it before we even can think about it).

So really, what do we have to complain about?

I will say, I WOULD love a few “gadgets” that would in the long run make things cheaper, but that’s a dream for now. And SURE, I wish this rope would get lost so I could find some sort of energy to get back on my treadmill, but that will come in time.

Look, I still have my days, moments, where I wish I could just *poof* not exist. Somehow get out of my life. Call it what you want, maybe it is suicidal thoughts? Though, I can’t say that. It’s not like I want out permanently. I just want a vacation, alone, in some bubble, away from the world, for a month, tops! Any time I think about a way out, it is always to the top of a mountain, or a deserted island, or a desert. So if that is suicidal? Fine, call it that. But honestly, I’d call it genocidal thoughts more than suicidal. Because most of the time I just want the world all to myself. πŸ˜€

This coming payday, I am setting aside a few dollars and taking Mom for coffee. I need it, and I think she does too. I just have to remember, if she even THINKS about bad mouthing anyone, I have to either tell her to be quiet, or walk away. If I can do that, I think it will be really pleasant?? I can hope. Because HOLY FUCK I need a day out.

So damned sad how even just to survive mentally, sometimes you need money. Even just a dollar. OR you need to be active. Which, I am not. BUT, the BIGGEST thing? You need friends, actual people you can do things with. BESIDES family, which is all well and good, but seriously? You NEED a break from that sometimes. And I just do not have that. Not even a single person I am not related to that I can go, take a walk with, hang out and watch TV with, or whatever.

99% of the time I am good with that. Don’t need it or miss it. But that 1% … oh BOY that 1% of the time can get so low and dark.

ANYWAY, I am off to have my music keep me company while I make bread and do some dishes.

And if anyone ever needs a hug, (or even has some to spare?) I have plenty!


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