Nasal anxiety

Honestly, I doubt that is an ACTUAL thing, but it’s the only short explanation that my oddly formed brain could come up with. Sometimes my made up ideas/phrases/whatever are pure genius, but some how, I think this one falls flat.

So, let me explain just what I mean by “Nasal anxiety”. Because really, if it IS a thing, I have it. Before I get all long-winded (which we all know I will) I just want to state for the record, I am NOT making light of anxiety. I see what my husband goes through, by no means would I make light of it! But it really was (at the time) the best description I could think of.

You see, I have an extremely sensitive sense of smell. I don’t remember being so bad as a child, but do remember being able to smell things before anyone else. Like knowing what was for supper the second I got off the bus (about a 10 minute walk, 40 if I was bullied or talking to people). As I got older it got worse, at times it is the cause of my migraines. Should have seen me when I quit smoking for a year! Damned near killed me.

I have triggers that actually heighten that sense of smell. I don’t always know what the trigger is, sometimes it only lasts a day, other times a week (THOSE times I usually end up with a blinding migraine or more). The usual trigger those is the day or two before a nasty head cold. First it feels like my nose is being sucked dry of any and all moisture, like the inside will crack and my nose will fall off. Then I get a pressure just behind the eyes, before it settles into a pain stabbing into the sinus cavity. During this time, some smells (and it is never the same things) will become so over powering, so overwhelming I feel almost panicked. WAITING for the nose bleed (they almost never come, but I can smell the blood). Just waiting for the migraine that will knock me out.

The smells become so intense I can pick out each individual smell, I can estimate how far they are from me, what colour it might be, how much of the item has the smell, it is nerve-racking. At the same time, my brain kicks up a notch. Sometimes reliving memories, in vivid 4K HD, real life madness. Seems to be ht and miss on if it is a good memory or bad one. And I will pray to anything, and do the funky chicken, if I NEVER relive a memory. It happened once, first time around live was bad enough. Reliving it in this way? PURE torture.

Anyway, So this began shortly after I woke this morning (closer to afternoon). The last few days I have been feeling off, like my head just isn’t quite with the rest of my body. And as we know, my sleep pattern is never great, but has been worse since the surgery. My hormones are finally settling, maybe my ovaries have finally healed enough from the trauma? Whatever. That’s a tangent that has little to do with this particular post.

So I woke this morning, feeling a bit more stuffed up, but less problems with clogged lungs, so I thought I might be on the road to recovery. How wrong I was. As my coffee was brewing, my nose cleared so suddenly I actually became dizzy. Thankfully I enjoy the smell of coffee. But an hour later, while we were preparing the pork roast for the slow cooker (pulled pork), it was not so pleasant. The cumin and red pepper are the most assaulting to my senses, along with the raw onion. It is taking all my will to keep myself from screaming. And oddly, the smells over power the actual taste of the food. I couldn’t even actually taste the spices I could smell. All I could taste was the Becel in the rice (which, in things usually tastes like butter, but no, I could taste the oiliness of it, the fakeness. AGHH It was horrific!).

This time around is a bit different from most times. Most times I would be plugged up begging for air by now. Instead, the smells are intensifying, all feel slightly panicky, wondering just how much of this is in my head. HOPING this ends soon.

It’s not ending. It never ends. WHY isn’t it ending? Honestly, I don’t think I can handle another day of this. Not at THIS intensity level. WHAT the hell triggered it? If not a cold, then what?

THIS is where the anxiety aspect of my title comes in. I have no clue how to explain it, other than to say, it feels like my nose has grown a mind of its own. I can feel it drying out, yet at the same time, with no thoughts of my own it will twitch and try so hard to slough off, but it can’t. You can’t just close your nose like you do your mouth.

Why? WHY can’t you close your nose? I want to close my nose. I NEED to close my nose. I can’t breath with a mask, and the mask stinks like … like … like dust? Nothingness? It smells weird. It removes the “air smell” from air. I don’t like industrial masks. I need them sometimes, because of my asthma, but they smell funny. They aren’t suppose to smell. Everyone tells me they don’t smell. They lie.

*deep breaths*

*counts to ten*

Dammit, everything stinks.

As I said, or maybe I didn’t. When this happens I get a touch … panicky. It truly makes me feel like I am losing what last little bit of mind I have left.

I’ll end now, But what I need? the ONLY thing that helps? Clean laundry washed in Tide and bleach, then rinsed in downy, and dried with bounce “outdoor fresh”. BUT the catch? It has to have sat in a wooden drawer for about a week. ALL my laundry has been recently washed, and sitting in baskets. IT STINKS of plastic!

If this cold doesn’t hit soon … or it is some other trigger and last beyond tomorrow….


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