My husband reminded me today that there is only 4 more days until the days begin to get longer again. He may have mentioned it in passing, or he may have had a reason? Perhaps he needed to remind himself, or maybe to remind me.
Whatever the reason, it helped. I didn’t even know I needed that help.
The problem with having mild depression, is it is easy to over look it, dismiss it as not bad, or not even there. I am not bad enough to need medication, or even really therapy. For my depression is usually linked to weather more than events. Though in the last few years more than just the weather has begun to affect it.
With that one little statement, “Only 4 more days, and the days will get longer”, my brain clicked in. Of course I flung back with “cool! I haven’t even been bad this winter. That’s awesome!” But, as I said, my brain clicked in. I have had moments where things were a bit to dark. Or my anger got the best of me.
Look, I am one of those “lucky” depression sufferers that I very rarely get so deep in my hole as to feel nothing, I have once or twice, but for the most part it is the hopelessness of life, or just the sadness and anger that I get. Life in general just seems to hard. And I haven’t felt the hopelessness as much as I usually do this time of year.
So it was easy for me to say that I haven’t been bad yet. And in the grand scheme of it all, I suppose I haven’t. But for me, to say it’s not been bad? Usually means it’s all good. And I have to stop doing that. Look, if I
expect want my husband to open up and talk to me, then I need to be honest and stop denying when things are rough for me. Seems like the fair thing to do. Right?
I am doing that here and now. I can assume that from the preamble of this post, we all know I am finding that more difficult than I care to admit. You see, as I may have mentioned before? I am the rock, the foundation of my little family. I’m the one who keeps it all together and makes sure everyone is ok. Usually ignoring myself. To a fault, I do this. It is a prideful thing for me. I pride myself on being the rock. So, when I feel like things may be cracking, I stick the duct tape on it and deny it is happening, even to myself.
It’s not helpful, or healthy, to deny when you are hurting. I understand when my husband says he doesn’t know what is wrong, just that something is, so how can he talk about it. I understand, because that is where I am at right now. Things are finally (slowly) getting better. Sure, money is still tight. But for the most part everything is being dealt with, and we have enough we can do little bits of extras.
And really? I think that is my problem.
When things are so tight I HAVE to hold everything up and together, I don’t have time to think, to breath, to worry about me. But when things are easing up, even if just the tiniest of bits? That is when my brain has time to mull everything over. To take times and see ahead. That’s when I see the big debts, or the things we can’t do or have. When I see my cracks, or the cracks of others. That is when my worry and hopelessness kicks in.
Like needing to take advantage of our tax lady’s kindness and ask to put off the payment just a bit longer (two weeks). I had no problem asking to pay late, didn’t even phase me, because I NEEDED to get the Revenue Canada off my ass! BUT, now that the payment is due, and I see Christmas just right there, so close. To ask for that extra two weeks? It is making me question everything. And I do mean EVERYTHING. Hell, even just the simple gesture of my husband doing the dishes has made me question myself. Made me wonder why he is even with me if I can’t get off my ass to do them.
I am wondering if I can even make it the 4 days until the light lasts that little bit longer during the day.
Oh, I am strong, I know that. I WILL make it, and I KNOW this will pass. It’s just right this very second, I doubt myself.
So folks, do me a favour? Be honest with yourselves, be honest to those who support you and love you. Don’t hold it in or deny it. That is when the cracks can get bigger than they need to be.
Smile at a stranger, hug someone you know.
Love, it is needed.