So many emotions, so little time

Lots, and yet nothing, going on in my life right now. I feel much like a juggler who has just figured out how to juggle four things, all of a sudden being given a fifth and it’s on fire!

Hubby is still struggling, and I feel helpless, not knowing what I can do to make it better.

I have decided I need to find another job, outside of the park management. This will give us the extra money we need, and take the pressure off of hubby. Or, at least that is my hope. This whole LTD cutting us off bullshit has really thrown us out in the cold, and no real action or plan to counter it.

I get that for them it’s all about the bottom line (why give away money?) but man, they sure do not look at the person on LTD as a person. It’s numbers and dollars, not much more. Can’t blame the go between, not really. They are just doing their job and following the company line. But it is not an easy path that they put someone on.

What if they did this to hubby and he didn’t have me? Seriously. BUT, we will appeal, and hope it gets us somewhere.

Not sure what job I will (or even CAN) get? But I have one I would like if they are hiring. I am GOOD at being a “till jockey” or waitress. For being a person who has a hard time around others? I SHINE in that environment. Always have. It’s odd actually. It’s sort of like people watching, but on steroids. hehe

I really dislike the online applications and “aptitude tests” they put you through. The questions are so general, and do not take into account the person. For example, a few questions were about how I’d react etc in a party situation. Tell me WHAT that has to do with a job? At a party I am in a corner talking to the family pet. BUT in a job situation, I am open, friendly and talkative. SO, I usually rework the questions in my head to pertain to work and answer that way. Honest? Maybe not, but I’d go so far as to say it is the fair and RIGHT way.

If the place I’d like to work is NOT hiring, worse case scenario Wal-Mart always is (They can never seem to get enough employees here). It may not be ideal work, but it pays the bills. And right or wrong, that is my main concern.

I have very mixed feelings about going back to a “real” job, especially so late in my life. I am nervous, which I think is to be expected no matter the age, I am also a bit excited!

Think about it, BEST case scenario hubby’s LTD appeal means he gets it, that means any money I make (after the park) is bonus many. WHICH MEANS, we can start saving money, paying down debt faster. AND I get the added bonus of being OUT of the house in social situations (sort of) which I have oddly missed. Good practice for the future? Maybe work up my courage to ACTUALLY go to a D*Con? AND worse case scenario, if LTD appeal doesn’t work, then money I make helps pay the bills and feed us. Not much wrong with that.

So really, in the long run it is a win-win.

And who knows? Maybe with me having a job so that money isn’t an issue, that takes the pressure off hubby so that eventually he CAN go back to a job, but on his OWN terms, so that the anxiety and depression can suck it. 😀

I truly think that is a big part of the issue when it comes to his work anxiety? (I am no doctor, just theorizing) Because it is a HAVE TO situation, the pressure becomes a powder keg? *shrugs* Seems reasonable. And therapist didn’t disagree. (Didn’t say I was right, but didn’t say I was wrong! 😀 )

To be honest? I think a job would actually be GOOD for me. The park is a job, I mean I get PAID for it, but it is sporadic at best, and something I can train hubby to do (but so help me if he messes up my paperwork! grr), and let’s face it, It is not exactly a social job. 90% of interactions are 2 seconds at best, mostly via the phone or email.

Still have to contend with my depression, which I am unsure I should mention to any potential employers. Seeing as many won’t want that hassle. PLUS it is usually just seasonal for me (hence the diagnoses of S.A.D) and I have always been great at hiding it when at work. Not even sure anyone other than family (and folks online hehe) has ever noticed? We’ll see.

Yep, many emotions right now. Not all bad, which is a nice change. 😀

No matter WHAT happens, I will keep trying, move forward, and of course, ALWAYS keep fighting. (That last one I’ve struggled with lately, but I do, and that’s the whole point!)

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