Brain dump

No clue what’s going on with me right now. One minute I am feeling really good about life (minus the whole money thing), and in seconds I feel like my whole life has been one giant mistake after another. Then, of course I worry that I have passed the behaviour on to my son, and I feel like I am losing my mind. Which, maybe I am?

If this is my depression changing things up or something? I DON’T LIKE IT! I don’t know how to fight this. I know how to fight the dark, I know how to fight the empty, I do NOT know how to fight fear. Fear is a new one for me.

Maybe it’s a mid-life crises or some stupid thing? I just know that it’s new, last few days, and I know it’s trying really hard to control the hell out of me. I have a sinking feeling it’s winning right now.

I don’t like not knowing how to battle this new “evil”. I am sort of missing the old monsters, dammit.

*deep breath*

So … if any one reading this has ANY tips for fighting this, I’d be oh so grateful. Can’t give you anything, and I admit I might not listen, but I would still be thankful. That’s something, right?

I have a feeling this may be a bit of anxiety over NOT finding a job. There is a ticking time bomb over my head, and if I can’t find a near full-time job in less than a month? we are going to have some serious issues with bills and stuff.

Sort of starting to understand how hubby because a ball of raw nerves. “Chronic anxiety something something” (I really tried to remember the name they gave it. :/ I SUCK! Memory has gotten worse, but that’s a sleep and thyroid thing, which I haven’t got for a numbers check … and I just veered off topic. *squirrel*

I am hoping this thought dump will help my brain settle the fuck down so I can get to sleep BEFORE 5am for a change, because I am pretty sure lack of proper sleep habits is what is adding to the slow eroding of what is left of my mind. (if it isn’t already gone? ha! ha. ha?)

Hmm See? typing this has helped some, pretty sure it is just how my brain is reacting to feeling overwhelmed. I’ve been overwhelmed before, and this is a new reaction to it, but That helps. I think? Gives me something to fight. Rather than fight my symptoms I have the “thing” causing them.

I have to figure out a way to separate all the problems, which is going to be a mountainous issue, since every problem has to do with money. Right now everything is up to date (minus owed taxes and medical – but, living in Canada helps.) so I just have to count to 10, and setup a timeline. IF I can’t find a job, what do I cut (cable, cell phones, etc) and when, and who do I call for extensions or some deals etc, and when. Once I figure out that, then it will be an easier break down.

ABSOLUTE worse case scenario, I Wal-Mart IS hiring, and I am fairly confident I could get a job there. It just would not be anywhere near the hours I need, but it WOULD be a start so we wouldn’t have to cut out EVERYTHING. That’s one small problem with small town living. So few jobs. No, actually, loads of crap jobs that are hardly even part-time, but the shifts change making it difficult to have more than one job. Wal-Mart for example, you only have 2 weeks of shifts at a time, and sometimes they change after a week. So trying to have 2 jobs if you work there is near impossible. (They fire almost as easily as they hire)

Most part-time jobs in town only give 2 weeks of shifts at a time. Maybe it’s the small town mentality?

ANY how, I am sure I will conquer this, as I conquer all problems. EVEN if it means just ignoring every thing until it stinks so bad I can’t ignore it. *shrugs* NOT the best way, but the only way I find I can cope.

And I am sure everyone is SO sick of me saying this, but as much as it feels hollow some days? It DOES help …

I will “Always Keep Fighting”. Even if I have no clue what the fuck I am fighting. Someone has to be strong, and I am NOT going to force that on the kid. Bad enough he already offered to give us his whole pay cheque, even though he had plans for it. Thankfully, he is now using it for himself (needs a bed something FIERCE!) so I feel less crappy.

When anyone, even family, offers me money? I feel grateful and happy, BUT, then the guilt damned near kills me.

Lottery is my retirement plan. (universe help me!! But you know what they say? No help for me. :P)

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