As I sit here, mulling over my day, I find my stress levels are much stronger than I have ever felt. To the point of feeling sick, dry metallic taste in my mouth and general unwell feeling. I have decided I need to post this. Not for the purpose of whining or sympathy, but just so I can step out of my head for a moment and maybe see things in a different light. Basically? I am trying to stop the negativity and step out of the vicious circle I have put myself in.
Look, I know what I did in the past was bad. Wrong and illegal even. Wasn’t as bad as killing someone, or drugs, but in the eyes of the law, wrong is wrong. Thankfully I was never prosecuted. But what I need to remember, and frankly I wish others could learn, is that it WAS in the past. I made a mistake, I fucked up big time. But I learned from it, and that’s the whole point. To be honest, it is has given me a new view on criminals in general. After all, I broke the law and want people to give me a second chance. Shouldn’t I then do the same for others?
But back to me and the point of this post, getting myself out of my head.
As I just said, I would like to think I deserve a second chance. I may not have “done time” for what I did, but I did learn from it.And honestly? Why don’t I deserve a second chance? I honestly can’t think of one reason I don’t. Mind, that is from my own view, but still … I wonder what would be the point where someone doesn’t deserve a second chance.
Maybe I self-doubt my “right” to that second chance because of my age? But why should age matter? You can make a mistake and learn from it even if you are 100. So why should being late 30’s make the difference?
I admit, typing this out, taking breaks to watch TV (taken me 3 hours to write this), I am feeling okay. Sure, I am going to have moments of my heart dropping into my stomach, and maybe I always will, and maybe that’s not a bad thing. It will certainly keep me from ever doing such a dumb-ass fucking thing again, and reminds me that sometimes people fuck up. And I just happen to be one of those people. I think it will also teach me to not be so harsh in judging others, which probably isn’t a bad thing.
Life marches forward, with, or without us. Yeah, I had some pretty heavy moments today, wondering if, and how to escape it all, depression can be a nasty bitch. But that’s what baring your soul to a faceless internet can do for you I guess? (I may just have snort laughed, but I won’t confirm that)
But as in all things, It will keep moving, and I just need to stand up and try again. At least if there is a next time, it won’t be such a gut punch. And that’s what made this so hard, I had finally gotten to a place in my life where I DARED to try for something, knowing that my past might be an issue, and I didn’t prepare for it.
THIS is what Always Keep Fighting is about for me. Not just for the depression (and boy that’s going to be a fight for a while), but for those times you fucked up. Admitting to it, owning it, but still moving forward even though you want to hide away and die. Some-days, and today
is was one of those days, where I didn’t think I could even take another step. I half expected to read this back to myself and have to read like a “goodbye cruel world” post. I’m still taking it second by second right now, but you know what? Right this second? I’m okay! And THAT will keep me moving, that will keep me fighting.
And breathe, 2, 3, 4 …
I’m good. For now.