… And the other shoe drops

Life is/was moving along okay for a while. I found a job, I’ve lost weight, appealed hubby’s LTD termination. But then the other shoe dropped.

I’ve been getting small signs of paranoia back. Stupid things, like when I see co-workers talking in a group, I feel like it’s about me. Small bouts of sadness (which usually leads to depression), again, small stuff.

I couldn’t figure it out at first, but realized that the deadline to hear about hubby’s LTD has come and gone, and still nothing. Plus I am beginning to worry that we won’t get it. I have a feeling they will deny us. WHICH, if I had full-time hours would be no issue. Tight, yes, but not bad. But all I am getting is 16 hours a week now, for the next 3 weeks (how long in advance we know our hours). And I am starting to worry. Which is a very unusual feeling for me.

This mild anxiety I feel is (to me) horrid and churns my stomach. I can not BEGIN to imagine how bad it is for my husband to feel this (but stronger) on a daily basis? I can imagine, but I am sure I’d be underplaying it. And with this appeal taking longer and loner … I don’t have a clue what to do know.

We can’t afford a lawyer (which we probably need), and I just don’t think I have it in me to try again if this is denied. I can try for a second job, but not having set hours in this job would make that difficult to work around. PLUS I have no CLUE how I managed to get this job considering my past and what happened in the interview. I got VERY VERY lucky that they took a chance on me. Not sure my luck would hold out.

I’d sell body parts, but I am not healthy enough. Can’t even donate blood (something to do with my thyroid and stuff?? No clue).

It may be time to look into what bills we can cut, and HOW to do it without hubby knowing? Because if he finds out good chance it could push him over the edge with his anxiety and depression.

I honestly feel like this whole thing is trying to drag me off the edge of the cliff and I don’t know how long I can fight it. I will do my DAMNEDEST to stay top side. I will fight tooth and nail. But I feel like the cracks are showing, and I don’t know how much longer I can hide it from the world. I’m still showing the “everything is fine” side of me to family, and so far, I think I have some time. But when customers ask if you are okay while you smile and say “just peachy”, you have to wonder how much longer you can hold it all together.

It sickens me horrible that I am posting any of this here, this is deeper than I feel comfortable talking about myself and frankly, I KNOW others have it far worse than I do. I HATE showing weakness, but, fuck it. I need some feed back, something, ANYTHING from the outside world. A pat on the back, and smile, something.

Wow, mellow-drama much? Sorry, I know. I am just really feeling tossed about right now. So lost. I actually feel fear (new one for me, and I hate it with every fiber of my being).

Look, I don’t expect anything from anyone. (well, I do … but, don’t?? Confusing, I know). Just knowing someone might read this, and empathize is okay for now.

I do NOT want a pity party. FUCK I hate that. Just … maybe someone can give me a HAPPY appeal story? Where it all worked out? No lawyers or stress involved?

Hell, I’ll settle for a “it’ll be fine”.

 

Fuck I hate my life right now. BUT, I will do this. I will keep pulling back from the edge, I WILL win against these emotions and I WILL survive. I have no clue how. But I will, I will do it alone if I must. But I will continue to be the rock and show no fear, even if I am dying inside.

I am the rock, I will show no fear, I will survive.

Some how.

Maybe.

Alone.

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