Knocked for a loop …

This could end up a long post? As usual I just need things in type so I can work through them. I should rename this blog “My therapy pages”.

Refresher, I am adopted, I sent for my records last June(2015). And, I got them sometime in October (2015)? or thereabouts. At any rate, I had done the cursory Google and Facebook search, found a possible relative. I stupidly sent a quick Facebook message, but then deleted my copy (err I shamefully admit, I forgot that only deleted MY copy, not the sent one). And then promptly forgot about it!

Tonight, I received a message from that person, and yeah, it’s all relative. (Oh, I am SO SORRY for that horrible HORRIBLE pun)

I left it for almost 4 hours, debating about just ignoring it (I have WAY too much going on right now – Still no word on hubby’s LTD, my new job, money … Just … UGH!). But, my guilt got the better of me, and I responded. The short version? “Loads going on, need some time, I am a wussy, Just let me stew about this. Thanks” (in about 2 or 3 paragraphs. hehe)

Now, I just need to see how my brain handles this for the next few weeks, and make a decision. Honestly? I truly have no CLUE what to do. It’s not like I missed, or even WANT(ED) a relationship with this woman. And I don’t hate her at all. I was just curious, and with my health as it is It seemed like a good idea. At the time.

I’ll be honest, I do NOT handle meeting new people well, and I am not overly good at socializing. In fact, it freaks me out, and I SUCK at be social (yet, I do well in social jobs … like being a cashier? Riddle me that!)

The whole problem with this domino I tipped over, is now other people are involved. Like, what happens if I decide I just do not want anything to do with them (I mean come on, they seem like a huge “all together” kind of family. YUCK)? Will that hurt her feelings? And if I DO decided to get to know her, then what if I don’t like her? OR WORSE? She doesn’t like me?

I just don’t think I could deal with that. Not the rejection part. After-all, not everyone likes everyone. But just the whole effort to know someone to find out you (or they) do not like the other party. *sigh* And what if it gets messy? UGH.

The timing is just off for me. I know I am fighting the on set of depression (getting flashes of paranoia – if I see people talking, it feels like it’s about me, even if I know it’s not, stuff like that – and that is usually just before depression sets in.)

That last paragraph is a WHOLE other post, and maybe some other day (or not).

I know Mom and Dad would tell me to go for it, meet bio-mom. But, I just … it gives my stomach the flops and I feel gross thinking about it.

 

…..

This post did NOT help.

Time for some Supernatural therapy. Maybe stop thinking about this, BEFORE I throw up.

(Unless you have an answer for me, reader?? No, I didn’t mean that. It’s my issue, not yours.)

 

UGH.

Night.

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