So little time

I am finding it difficult to find the balance between home and work, and life I suppose? It’s not a bad thing, not yet any way. It’s just that my body (and mind) are still adjusting to being in an actual “real” job that demands me to be on my feet for almost 7 plus hours a work day. SO, on my days off, I tend to struggle doing anything around the house.

My husband is doing his best to take up the slack from me, and still manage to help me run the management part of the park, AND do the maintenance as well. So it is a very unorganized chaos at the moment.

I am also still struggling with how, when, IF I want to speak with my biological family, and just what it is I want from all that. Ideally, I would get an updated medical history and then be done (I find it very unsettling that they might want more!), but from the small contact I have had with them, it appears they may wish more that a passing contact. I can’t explain it, but it feels so wrong. I worry that I won’t like them, or they won’t like me, or that it will just be WEIRD. I have a Mom, so I feel so weirded out by it all.

Work is going great. Full time hours now, and seemingly leveling out on the hours and days I am working. *crosses fingers* I am still blown away by being team member of the week. And the more people who congratulate me, or talk to me about it, the more it seems like some big deal, and I HATE a big deal being made over me. Yet, oddly, it makes me feel good at the same time? Crazy, right? I found out today, that many employees don’t get such an “honour” until they have been around for about a year! Again … crazy! right?

Overall, I am adjusting well. I had a few days (about a week) where I thought my depression was going to show up. I started to have some paranoia and just empty feeling. BUT, it passed without it getting a hold on me. And I worked through it. I didn’t feel tired fighting it, I felt I could, and needed to fight it. I really think this job has helped.

So many times in the last few years, fighting through my depression was hard, I didn’t feel like fighting it. I wanted it to just go away without me doing anything. I was tired of it. I think in part because it had taken such a hold on me without me realizing just how badly it was part of me. This job, and the fact we are FINALLY becoming stable money wise, I think is a big part of why I have found the ability to fight through.

So, that’s my life these days. Still a bit hectic, and confusing, but overall, I am in a good place. Finally.

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