I am in a better head space today, sort of, so let’s try this again.
From the moment we are born, life is full of changes. In the beginning changes are so frequent and sometimes so large, most of us learn to roll with change, embrace it even. Some though, learn to despise change, push it away. And of course, as always in life, there is also a middle ground. I like to think in most things, I fall in that middle ground.
Not sure why I prefer the middle, but it is where I am comfortable. But as I have gotten older, I have learned to hate change, push at it, turn from it. I became comfortable in my tiny little world, used it as a shield against life. I am pretty sure my depression had a fair amount to do with that. I know I will always have to fight against it, and I am learning what works for me.
But, this is more about the more recent changes in my life, the job, the weight loss, my health, and even about my birth family.
I have become overwhelmed in life, and while it isn’t necessarily a bad thing, I didn’t realize how out of control and how lost it was making me feel until the last few days. My Mom needed me to help her with a new phone (cordless home phone). She is what I call a tech-infant, she enjoys it, but doesn’t understand it and can “destroy” (push wrong buttons) in a heartbeat!
When my husband told me Mom had called and needed me before work – for something that only took me a moment to fix – I felt straight up anger. NOT just annoyance, I am talking rage. It only took me a moment to identify it, thankfully, and push it down to annoyance, but in that moment, I realized I needed to write this post. Needless to say, not so much for anyone who reads, but for myself. To help me work out a plan , not so much to identify the problem, but for a plan of action to fix it.
I am thinking of taking a page from Wil Wheatons book (not quite yet, this is the talking phase) and set up a plan of “reboot” for my life. I NEED to get a handle on this.
I know the core issue, for me, is the job. Now, let me explain. I do still enjoy the job, very much. But since I do not have set days and hours that I work, I am struggling to find the balance point. I need to figure that out. So for now, I will talk about (I promise, briefly) about the 2 BIGGEST problems I am facing, then I will go back to my ramblings. 😉
Problem – 1 – I am finding it hard to find me time, family time, and “do things” time due to unset hours/days at work.
Results wanted – 1 – A nice balance between doing things on days off (housework, seeing mom, doing “stuff”) and work.
Thoughts to get what I want – 1 – (Ramblings for now) Unsure. NEED to learn how to take one step before looking 20 ahead. Don’t start because I don’t know WHERE to start. So, first step is … ?
Well, I do know my schedule for 3 weeks, it does change occasionally on short notice, and my health sometimes fucks up my days off … BUT (stopping excuses now!) I will use my calendar – which I LIVE by – and schedule in a 1 hour block for EACH day off where I do some sort of housework. It is a baby step, but a step. THAT way, if I am not feeling well (fucking IBS), it is not a set time, but can get done.
Problem – 2- My IBS is the proverbial wrench in the works.
Results wanted – 2- IBS controlled so I can make plans in stone.
Thoughts – 2- I have already taken a small step towards control today – last night actually? I am including more fiber into my diet. I had tried this before, but all I had tried either made it worse, or made me gag with the taste/texture. SO, I am trying a store brand version of Benefibre that dissolves completely in water, no taste, or texture. Now, granted, last night I took WAY too much (the max single dose) and this caused much hilarity in my mind as I sounded like an automated whoopie cushion that was unable to turn off. (which destroyed my sleep – but that issue is locked with this one and to be tackled and talked about at a later time.)
My next step on that is to phone the doctor tomorrow and set up an appointment for my next day off. That way I can let him know how it has changed and fill him in on the fact I now know half of my family history (which is so many of my issues. Who’d a thunk it. 😉 ).
So those are my two biggest issues that I am going to work on, getting a sense of control to my life, and if not fix, at least control my IBS (and of course, find out if that REALLY is what it is – family history stuff now).
So, back to changes.
Other changes in my life of course is my weight loss. Which is a good change, but an overwhelming one, and honestly? A hard one for me to really understand and wrap my head around. Okay, Look. I GET that more movement (as opposed to NO movement) will cause weight loss, it’s not the part I am having a hard time with, it’s the amount and the changes in my body.
See, I have ALWAYS been a 14 – 20 in clothes size. I accepted that. Wouldn’t go so far to say I embraced it, but I knew that was who I was. I was a 14 most of my life, then had a child and was a 16 for a very long time. THEN, my thyroid said “let’s fuck you up even MORE than you already are” and I grew, and all sorts of weird stuff happened in my brain and body and … I
was am, a shit pile. But, HUGE but, THAT is now on a leash, and muzzled, in some cave that I buried under dirt. So for now, I can’t hear it any more.
No, seriously, once my thyroid shut down? Guys, I will apologize NOW for all my past, present and future rants and whines and shit storms. Sure it still fucks with my brain and teams up with depression sometimes to just fuck me up big time, but I get moments of clarity (like today), and I feel almost 80% again! And it feels great (minus the whole sleep thing … blah blah).
But (I use that too much) However, as I said, the changes in my physical appearance is weirding me out a bit.
According to my scale I have only lost 10 pounds in total since I started work (from 185-190 down to 175-180), the thing is though, my clothes and mirror are saying something completely different. To go from a size 22 to a size 12 (which is now loose on me) is MORE than 10 pounds. And even my shirts and bras fit differently. It’s weird.
There is also the age thing, being older, my skin is not snapping back as fast as it did when I was younger, so I am now getting a HUGE amount of this extra “bulk” much like fat, but so much squishier and flappier, and …
Guys? If I was a squirrel? I could fly.
So, as you can read, this is messing with my perception. On the one hand, I have this flat belly (when lying down), a waist, ability to try on normal clothing (and look GOOOOOOOD!) yet, when naked, in the shower or looking in a mirror (when I dare), I see that, but I see the bulges and flaps, and weird hanging stuff, and cringe.
I think I could have dealt with it better if this weight loss had been over just a few weeks, but it’s been 5 months. That’s not quick! ESPECIALLY when the scale shows only 10 (MAYBE 15 – since my scale is inaccurate). That really SHOULDN’T cause this.
Which of course is circling back around to depression. Of course, with the sun the last two days, I am holding back, and I don’t think it will snap its leash? *hopeful*
… Err, wow, so. This is awKward. *kicks ground and stares into space* I completely lost half of my brain and have NO CLUE where I was going when I started this. I PROMISE, it was upbeat at the time?
So, um. *backs away slowly* I guess I will stop here and just … Yeah. Alright. Was nice talking at you.
No, no. Honestly, I am okay. Good, actually.
I know I will always have to fight the depression, and my rambling is out of control, but I’m working on that, and hopefully the next time
we I talk to you, I will have that under-control.
Bye for now.
*mumbling to self as walking away* God you’re an idiot at times. Get it together girl, THIS is why we don’t have friends. Weirdo