I’ve been thinking about love lately. Not love for a partner in life, but general love.
I usually avoid it, push it away even, well, minus family. Then I met my husband and that changed some.
After awhile we had a child (not getting into step kid and trust issues etc. That’s a therapists couch thing). Then a learned a new type of love. And despite the brackets there, it became a bond of love and solidarity built on familial love.
I still pushed away love to and from anyone other than family. Figured you couldn’t love anyone you had never met, or didn’t know personally. And really loving someone who doesn’t exist or you have no strong bond with is crazy!
Well now hold on.
I think that might be wrong.
I have slowly been opening myself up to the possibility of love in those situations, and have to admit that, while scary and weird (for me), it feels sort of … nice?
Who knows. Maybe this ice queens heart might melt yet?
Okay, so you might be wondering what got me to this spot. Or maybe not, I don’t know.
A few things got me here. One was trying to figure out why I had an obsession for a particular type of character on TV or in movies, as well as the type of show. Which of course led me to questioning why there was one character in particular I was obsessed with (and fascinated by the actor who portrays him).
And then there is the feelings I had (have) when a particular online friend was (is) struggling or hurting. It had nothing to do with arousal, or family type love, but it was deeper than other caring I had felt for people, even ones I had personal contact with. I actually think about this person and hope they are feeling okay etc, even when I am offline. I even look forward to their writing, drawings, or other things.
All this led to me admitting that there really must be different ways and types of love. And love doesn’t necessarily mean anything sexual. It could simply mean a deeper caring for a human being that “gee, hope they’re okay?” then forgetting about them.
I am still learning to deal with this knowledge, and not sure what it means yet. But I do know that it is very hard to build a door in this wall I’ve built and guarded for so many years.
Maybe one day I will be okay with it. For now I’ll treat it with caution and hope I don’t get bitten.
I have always been last picked, had the least friends (or no friends), left out, or made fun of, and even treated as a door mat. So this will not be an easy road for me. But maybe this old dog can learn a new trick?
In the meantime, I will try to silence the voice in my head screaming how wrong this is. How I will be hurt. Again. I will fight through the insecurity and doubt.
Perhaps you have to give to receive?